It’s the question I’m asked most during a coaching call:
“Will my ex forget about me during no contact?”
In fact, I’m asked that question so often, I have to remind myself that the person asking is hearing my answer for the first time, so I shouldn’t feel like I’m telling them something they’ve already heard!
The short answer is “no,” but I’m sure you’d like to know how I know that.
For starters, no contact is what gets your ex to remember you! It has the total opposite effect of forgetting you or of them moving on.
Here’s the deal:
The fact that your ex broke up with you shows that they took you for granted and, therefore, forgot you.
So your ex had already "forgotten" you and that is why they broke up with you.
They forgot you, not in terms of forgetting that you exist, but in terms of their attraction falling to the point that other things or people in their life moved to the forefront of their mind.
At this realization, or even without fully grasping it, their attraction for you plummeted.
Stay with me.
This type of “forgetting” is often, but not always, the result of you chasing them or over pursuing them.
I’ll discuss what else can cause your ex to forget you, but for the moment, think back and remember if you did the following:
1. Over Texting - Were you always the one to text “good night” or “good morning”?
You should have treated texting like a tennis match where you wait on them to text back and take turns reaching out at certain times.
If you were the one who texted more, you were too easily available and your texts were seen as a regular thing instead of something special.
This will get you a front-row seat to the “Taken For Granted” show.
2. Jealousy - Were you open about being jealous of other people?
Did you show it with anger or another emotion?
What this actually communicates to your bf/gf is that you believe you aren’t enough and that you believe other people are better.
It suggests you believe that your significant other will easily see that and go to that other, better person.
It’s complete lack of confidence and is poison to attraction. You'll be seen as forgettable.
3. Clinginess - Did you try to be with them every second of the day?
It might sound romantic, but it’s not feasible long term mostly because it will diminish attraction.
It does this because having the opportunity to miss each other is very important because it is in being without each other that we learn the most about our feelings.
We can learn that we don’t want to be without the other person.
Even then, we must allow this lesson to be learned over and over again.
The way that you can remind your ex that you are there and that they once had strong feelings of love, desire, and attraction toward you is for you to leave them alone.
If you are constantly making your presence known and felt by texting, calling, social media, or by showing up (even "accidentally") you diminish your value and cause your ex to take you for granted.
In this way, your constant presence makes your ex forget about you and your ex will be more likely to move on.
It is when you are not there that your ex feels that something is wrong or different.
You interrupt their pattern and this often sends them into what is called, "separation anxiety."
And it often grows more intense with each passing day.
Here's an example:
Have you ever been riding in your car with the music on for a long period of time and then you turn it off?
The silence, though not making any noise, is extremely noticeable.
To some, it is soothing and a welcome break from the noise.
To others, the silence isn't what they're used to and they want to fill the noise with music again.
But the last thing that the silence is, is unnoticeable.
As a child you couldn't wait for your birthday.
In large part that was because you knew you were going to get presents, a party, and, probably, cake.
The closer you got to that day, the more you couldn't stand the wait and the more excited about it you became.
But what if you received presents every single day?
Then your birthday would just be any other day.
There wouldn't be anything special about it.
You wouldn't appreciate the gifts.
The same is true with no contact.
Your ex will notice your silence.
They won't forget about you, but will often wonder some or all of the following:
It's the questions without answers that contribute to them missing you.
You staying silent prevents their curiosity from being satisfied and in that way you influence how and what your ex thinks during no contact to a certain degree.
It is your use of the no contact rule that will create the mystery and will cause your ex to reflect on the relationship they had with you.
If you have a good relationship, they'll often remember the good times and miss being with you.
Your ex remembers rather than forgets you.
As the days pile up of you not contacting your ex, the power compounds and your ex can often feel your absence like fingernails down a chalkboard.
Your silence most certainly does not go unnoticed but actually shows your ex that you have strength, dignity, and maturity.
Though it's difficult, no contact is the most powerful tool in your arsenal to get your ex back.
My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back.
After you access the kit, you'll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.