When will my ex reach out?
It's a question people ask me constantly, and the answer is a bit more complex than you think. And I'm going to go over that with you.
And there's a reason for this. So stay with me.
Enough time has to pass because it will determine whether this breakup was reactionary or real.
Sometimes a couple can bicker and fight and argue, and someone will say "we're through" and break up and not really mean it, it was reactionary to what was going on and you give them just a little bit of time and they change their mind.
But there are others that are real and the real ones are where there's been a lot of time while in the relationship with you that your ex thought about this, went back and forth on it and finally came to you and broke up with you.
And usually that's several weeks or months or even longer, but that's important because that determines how long it will take for them to potentially come back.
If it's reactionary, they can come back quickly.
If it's real, it usually takes longer.
That doesn't mean that you can't get them back. It just means you're going to need to be patient and hunker down and decide if you can wait and how long you can wait before deciding that you're going to move on or start moving on.
Another reason that time passing is important is because it's proof that you can stay away.
A lot of times an ex will basically be able to remain in that relief stage right after the breakup because you are not staying away from them.
The reason is because it doesn't make them think about the fact that maybe they could want you back and not be able to get you back.
It at least shows that you are still doing work of trying to get them back. And so it's something that could easily happen if they wanted it.
As long as they don't have to actually look into their own thoughts and emotions and have to consider that they could want you back but not be able to get you back, progress can't be made.
So time passing is proof, whether they're looking for proof or not, they don't even know it, but it's proof when they do look back at it, they can say, you know, it has been two months. It has been a month. It has been three months. I haven't heard from them.
They need to have that conversation with themselves and only time can get them to a place where they can have that.
Time where you are gone and have disappeared and you're not making the effort.
Time also allows them to experience the breakup.
At the beginning, when they break up with you, when they're considering that they want the breakup, it's all just a concept.
It's something that they think they want and they imagine what it will be like and that is appealing to them.
But when they have to actually experience it, it is usually much different than they thought it would be.
Now, if it's a terrible relationship and they get true relief from being away from you, because you were emotionally abusive, cold, cruel to them, while you were in a relationship with them, then they can feel an extended relief because it's actually a good thing to be away from you.
And it's not just a concept because we all know we feel better without pain.
If you were a pain to them. If you did not make them feel good in life, if you expected to be worshiped and didn't show them physical interest or emotional interest, but expected to be pampered while they were sort of treated like a servant, it can be that they get away from you and think, "You know, this is a lot better than being with them and this is as good as I thought it would be."
But if your relationship was good and I don't mean it had to be some legendary soulmate relationship. If you just had a good relationship where you got along, you brought each other peace and joy and not heartache and stress. And I don't mean all the time that it was good. I just mean in general it was because everybody's going to bicker and everybody's going to have a bad day. Everybody's going to say things that they regret.
And that's understandable, but in general, if you can say "We had a good thing," that's where experiencing the breakup can really help you out because they can see that being away from you is not what they wanted and severing the relationship was really not what they wanted, even though they thought they did.
And I touched on that a little bit in the last point, but I have another (and post) video about stages that your ex goes through while you're using the no contact rule.
And it starts with relief and it progresses from there.
The next stage after that is curiosity and then concern.
And you can start to see that it's almost as though their head is turning.
When they're in relief, they are facing 100% in the other direction from you.
But when you don't chase, then they look back in your direction a little bit because you're not pushing them further away.
And so they turn a little bit. Now they're curious why you're not chasing because they probably expected you to.
Breaking up with someone is one of the most egotistically fulfilling moments in life, because you are actually dismissing someone.
It's unusual for someone to just say, "I really wanted to end this relationship."
Usually it's something that they are sad is going to happen and it's awkward and they don't want to hurt you, even if they want out.
And even if they're not sad that it's over, they don't want to hurt you.
And so it's not something that brings them joy, but they did it. They faced the awkwardness and they got it over with and the universal emotion that they feel primarily when they break up with you is pity, which is the exact opposite of attraction because they look at you as though you are not strong.
That's when they pity you. And so that's where they expect you to chase and to reach out and to do all these things, to try to get them back because they see you as less attractive than they are.
So when you don't chase and you don't reach out, they stop running. They slowly turn and experience curiosity and then concern.
Concern is when they are turned back at you almost 100% and they are beginning to doubt the breakup.
And most people will get to that point where there is some doubt.
Again, I'm assuming this was a good relationship because not all relationships should be saved.
Not all of them should last, but if yours was good and it had at least a generally positive thing going between the two of you, you're going to have that moment where they are looking back and wondering if they made the right decision.
But that can only happen if you let them experience the breakup.
So let them experience the breakup.
And if you're doing that, great job!
You are doing what you should be doing and giving yourself the best chance of getting them back. And it's compounding and building every day that you stay away.
So when they get to that right stage, that's when they're most likely to reach out to you.
It's when they have experienced you not reaching out and they can actually say, "it looks like they're not going to reach out."
A lot of times they will still expect that you eventually will reach out
But when they get to that point where not only are they significantly in a place where they've lost that expectation, but also to where they begin to think it's costing them and could cost them you because you are moving on, that's where all these other things that I've mentioned, the proof, they can look at it and say, he has left me alone for two months.
He hasn't even tried. She hasn't called, she hasn't texted. They have demonstrated they can stay away.
That is such an important thing. And so when people keep falling off the bandwagon or doubting no contact, I just want to tell them that this is so important. Give yourself a resume showing that you can stay away because if you show that you just keep breaking down, they're going to expect you to keep doing that.
I wish it was easier, but I'm telling you the truth.
Early on memories of the two of you are a coping mechanism when they first start experiencing some of that separation anxiety.
They will live with you in memory.
They will think about times you were together. That can become incredibly painful when enough time has passed and reflection no longer satisfies them.
That's when they can be in a great state of mind to reach out to you.
Because when you add all these other things to this, to where they have the proof you can stay away to where they have experienced the time without you and don't even think you're going to reach out anymore, that's when they can be in the right state of mind to reach out.
That's when reflection is not enough. They need the real you and that actually helps to rewire their emotions a little bit to where they can appreciate you again, they can stop taking you for granted because they start to see what they have potentially lost.
They can see how wonderful it was and how good things were from remembering these good times with you.
And they start to miss it and they start to miss you. And it's like a perfect storm.
Before I mentioned number five, take a quick second, get some more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit if you are serious about getting your ex back.
When your ex gets to this point where they make this decision, something inside of them just snaps because of all these things that I've mentioned and they realize they've got to contact you.
Now, what? And this can take a little bit of time, not usually as much as the other stages, but they've got to figure out how to approach you.
And that's where I tell people that you've got to be a little bit humble during this part because they won't always reach out to you with what you want to hear at first.
And that's where I have videos where I tell you not to ignore your ex. Some people say you only respond if they say something worth responding to you.
If they tell you they want to get back together for example. Well, you may really shoot yourself in the foot if you do that because a lot of times they think you will not respond well to them, or they think you're with somebody else or they feel the awkwardness of that. And so they want to ease into things because they don't yet know if you want to get back together with them or not.
And they just want to see if you are even warm to talking to them at all and they want to get a little bit of a baseline. And so they will say something casual to you like we all do when we're starting conversations. We all, at least a lot of the time, we'll say things like "How's your week been going? Did you enjoy XYZ?"
Whatever it is, but it's just casual and boring and small talk because they first want to see if you will even answer them. And so a lot of times when people get on their high horse and they say, "just ignore them," then you just show your ex that you won't even answer them.
And you can actually help them get over you because they figure there's no point of trying.
They know that they cannot force you to do it. And then if you won't even respond. to them, they can't even get off of square one. I'm not saying to respond to them in some grandiose way, like saying "I have missed you so much. You've made my week. You've made my life by reaching out to me."
I'm just saying, respond in kind. If they were to say to you, "How's your week been?" Say, "My week's been good. Hope yours is as well." Something like.
Then they know now they can talk to you. You're helping them to be able to get to that point where they can actually say, "I want to see you" or even "I made a terrible mistake. Would you consider taking me back?"
Maybe you think it doesn't happen. I see it every day! I get messages of success stories every single day and I hope that encourages you.
Just know that the things I mentioned have to happen. Your ex has to get to the right emotional state and that usually takes time and takes them getting to certain points inside of their own heart and head.
And then they've got to put the words together because they don't want to mess it up further. And they're hoping that they haven't waited too long or they haven't done something that they're not going to be able to recover from.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back since it guides you through possible situations and responses.
No matter what, I wish you the very best!