This is Coach Lee and i'm going to answer the question, "When does the breakup hit the dumper?"
As you might imagine, the experiences are very different as you have probably noticed in that your ex may seem cold or even cruel as though they don't understand what is actually happening and what they are actually doing.
I'm going to explain why that looks that way and what can be done about it and when the breakup actually hits them.
So the first thing that you need to understand is that the timing is different and what I mean by that is is that your ex has been planning this. I'd say there is a 95% chance this has been planned for weeks, months, or even years.
They've been thinking about wanting to get away from you, wanting a breakup, and they have possibly talked to you about it even if you didn't know that they did.
They've mentioned things, it's come up in arguments, and they have gone back and forth in their mind about breaking up with you, asking themselves if they really want this or if they can "tough it out."
So at the breakup event (the announcement) when they tell you, a lot of people talk about how this person seems cold and unfazed by the response of the breakup.
So for example, they break up with you and you say something like, "But I love you, can't we work this out?"
"Why are you just giving up?" And it's as though the other person has already had this conversation with you and as though it's fairly easy for them or at least they already know their answers and their response emotionally seems much different than yours to this conversation and breakup.
That's because they've already had this discussion in their own mind and in many ways they are simply numb to it and they are ready to get into that relief stage that I talk about in my video "Stages your ex goes through during no contact," and they're not literally thinking, "I want to get to the releif stage."
They're simply thinking that it would feel better to get this over with so they can move on with their life and to be with someone else.
And yes, even though your ex may say, "I don't want to be with anybody right now," it's not true. It's something they say to keep you from getting upset because they think you would get upset and be more difficult to deal with if they said that they plan to be with someone else or that there's already someone else.
So that's just an empty excuse, I promise you no matter how much your ex insists that they don't want to be with anybody right now or say that they're not ready to be in a relationship right now, it's just a matter of time because humans were created to be in relationships and people don't just sit around single on purpose.
Your ex might tell you that they won't be in a relationship anytime soon but it's just not true. They either plan to be with someone else or someone else is already there. I don't say that to upset you but I want you to know what you're up against in terms of their plans.
So they are trying to move forward at this point. They have control of the situation and they are announcing to you what the future of the relationship is because they have total control and total power.
Think about it, you don't get a say. Basically, they just get to say whether the relationship continues or ends and you just have to sit and be informed.
So you are shocked and it's a completely different response than your ex because you didn't know this was coming - at least to this degree. At least to such an extreme degree that this person wants to end the relationship.
That wasn't what you were thinking. Maybe you two need to work on some things. You probably knew that but for this to happen is a shock to you and it's control for them because they are doing it and they planned it.
They have intention behind doing this to go to something else and so it's a very different experience and the timing is very different for each of you because you haven't had time to process any of this.
Before i get to the second point I want to talk to you about, take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so that you can be notified when I have more videos like this.
Next, I want to talk more about control versus loss. The connection that you two had is already lost for the dumper in large part.
Now there's still some baseline, foundational connection there will always be there and that's psychologically sound for me to say.
I'm referring to the connection you two have and that to some degree, it will always exist if you were in a relationship with them, but at the moment, feelings have faded. Your ex maybe even said something like that and it simply means that attraction has fallen.
Attraction can fall because of continuing arguments and fights, it could be because the relationship became boring and was for a long time to the point that they felt like they were the only ones contributing or neither of you were contributing and they just blamed it all on you.
It can also be that physically you have changed and over time they just feel less attraction and it affected them emotionally as well because maybe there wasn't any longer a connection emotionally that could thrive going forward - it wasn't strong like it used to be or wasn't strong enough.
Attraction is both emotional and physical and if you don't have much with either, there's no motivation. Attraction itself is motivation in this situation and so whereas this information is new and shocking to you most likely, at least to enough degree that they will break up with you, your ex has already gone over this and decided to do this and so it's an easier acceptance for them and it's something they want to get over with and just move on.
But you feel shocked and you propose to them that the two of you coulds work on it. That is what people are supposed to do in a relationship is work through these things but in the mind of this person, who is now your ex, they have already done that even if you didn't know they were doing it.
They could have tried different things to revive their feelings, giving it another week, giving it another month. They likely reached a point where they feel worn down and that there's nothing remaining for them anymore. So there's no motivation to pull them back and nothing that makes them want to keep working on it and so people will sometimes say in the comments "well, that's not love if they won't even work on it" and that's true.
They don't feel the same love they once felt for you anymore. That's what I mean when I say that attraction has fallen.
They love you most likely in a general sense, like how I love humanity. If i see a stranger who's hurting, I want to help them in some way if i can.
I'm not saying that they see you as a stranger, but they have that general love for you and that's possibly also a deep friendship with you but they want the romantic passion instead in order to stay with you. And trust me, you don't want to accept friendship with your ex because it won't help you get back together with them.
That motivating attraction that they don't feel anymore but that you still feel causes you to remain willing to work on the relationship and so that's why it just seems like you two don't understand each other at all and that you were in entirely different circumstances.
That brings me to number three:
Motivation comes from value and loss. In this case, it's potential loss from their side. They don't feel the loss that you do and that's why your ex's value has skyrocketed as far as you're concerned. That's why you feel like you would do anything to get this relationship back but just yesterday, if you didn't know the breakup was coming, you didn't feel that same intensity and that same sense of urgency.
That's because loss was not introduced into the situation. I talk about this a lot in my Emergency Breakup Kit in terms of how to help your ex or soon to be ex to actually feel the risk of loss and understand that they could be losing you.
I can't overstate how valuable that is during a breakup and it's not because you're trying to manipulate them but if they break up with you, they will lose you. That's what they have to know and the dumper does not quite grasp that at the moment, mostly because it's not valuable enough in their mind for them to fear or even consider that they could lose you.
They feel like the value that they see in you and the relationship with you is lower and so if they ever wanted it, they could get it back because they see themselves as higher value. And so, to your ex, it would be a no-brainer for you. Of course they could just say "Oh, by the way, let's get back together. They feel like they just made your life by offering you that and that you would just jump at that opportunity at any point going into the future indefinitely.
I'm not exaggerating but if I am, it's not by much. That's what they feel even if they don't put that into words.
Here's an example:
If right now, my car that's in the garage suddenly had its engine start, since it's not me starting it, I know there's a problem and because I value my car, there would be an immediate sense of loss to connect to that value. So i would run outside and try to figure out what's going on and try to save my car because it's something valuable to me and it is at great risk.
Obviously a relationship with a person is far more valuable but it's a point to help you understand what's going on at the moment.
Your ex does not see much value in you romantically and they don't see the risk of loss so they have neither because if it's something you don't value and you could lose, it it's not a super big deal to you. In some cases, it may not matter at all and so you have to have value but if you just value it and it's "safe" in your garage, you can start taking it for granted like a car in the garage. We're not constantly opening the door and checking on it because we just assume it'll be alright.
It's when the risk of loss comes in that they have to think about what they are potentially losing and all of a sudden the value can go up.
The fear of loss exists to motivate us to be urgent and to do whatever we have to do to protect something and so the fear and the concern of loss actually raises its perceived value and that's why you can't just talk to your ex about it or have a good little talk and they'll want to come back and be motivated to work on everything.
It's because motivation is actually not there without the fear of loss or the realization that they could want you and not be able to get you back.
They likely don't feel as physically or emotionally attracted to you as they once were. Emotional loss of attraction will also erode physical attraction, though usually not to the same degree and so if there is nothing pulling them towards you, then there's nothing motivating them to work on the relationship because they don't value it enough and they don't fear losing it because at the moment they assume since they are dumping you that they could get you back whenever they wanted you.
It would simply be their decision because they feel they have all the power and this is why it's so important that your ex feels the loss and people will try to argue with me about that in the comments and they'll just say "Well people should be mature and they should just talk it out and not play mind games trying to hurt the other person or manipulate them," and that's NOT what i'm suggesting at all.
When someone wants to break up with you and when someone wants you out of their life, it's a mature thing to give that to them because you don't want to be where you're not wanted.
You don't want to force yourself on someone.
That doesn't make any sense from a mature, interpersonal standpoint and that is your only hope of them feeling loss is that you stay away so they can see that you can stay away because that implies you could also move on and that's when it can actually jar them enough to where they start to think about the beginning of the relationship when they were attracted to you emotionally and physically - at least more so - and that can trigger a chain of events in their mind to where they think that someone else might find you attractive.
That's where there can be some sense of loss.
Now it takes more than that - it's not just that they say, "I don't want to lose you, so let's get back together."
That is an important part of it so don't cheapen that, but obviously you also want them to see you as valuable like they used to in terms of wanting to be in a relationship with you and feeling attraction towards you.
You want both but it starts with them actually feeling the loss because that's when they actually have to look at it and see if they want to lose it or if they could stand losing it.
Before, when they broke up with you, they didn't feel that because they were in control. So they're not losing it, you only lose something when it's out of your control like you don't know where you placed it and you can't just access it OR when it's taken away from you.
So when they feel in control, they don't feel like they could lose you. Instead, they feel like that they are choosing to put you in another place and if they ever want you, they could get you back.
But when it's out of their control, that's when they actually have to take a true assessment of their feelings and they look back at things and a lot of times they can reconsider and they can come to their senses and stop taking you for granted. That's how it usually works with most relationships.
If someone does not want you in their life, you don't just pester and insist on being there.
You have to let them make that decision for themselves and it's difficult to do, but it gives you the best chance of getting your ex back.
Tthose are the basics of how the breakup hits the dumper differently and if you understand that you can understand how to move forward with the best chance of getting this person to reconsider because if you just keep contacting them and pressuring them, they're only going to try to get away from you and will see relief beyond you and you certainly don't just want to be in their way because they will begin to resent you and that attraction that they barely have at all is going to even fall further and you're going to make it to where now you're not just less attractive but you're repulsive.
I'm sorry to say it, but that's actually how it works out sometimes.
So remember that when you back off, in that moment you start to show some strength and that you could move on and you could be lost and that's the setup for how a lot of people have been able to get back together with the one who they love.
You can also get information about my Emergency Breakup Kit and my Emergency Marriage Kit which will go into more detail and more situational details and will provide you day-to-day encouragement on how to handle this.
I hope that you can save the relationship with the one you love.