In this video, Coach Lee explains what you must not do and what you must do to get your ex back.
Be sure to watch this important video all the way through.
The truth about getting your ex back is that most of what you have seen in movies and heard from your friends or family is wrong.
Your instincts will also lead you astray in terms of what to say and what to do to get your ex back (or to stop your divorce).
The truth is that you must give the breakup to your ex without a fight so that they can experience the consequences and learn what they really feel about you.
If you leave your ex alone and give them a shock from your sudden absence, your ex can feel separation anxiety and learn the actual role you played in his or her life.
It is then that you can get your ex back.
After a breakup, the person who was dumped usually feels something much different from the person who dumped them.
You have probably noticed that truth if you have interacted with your ex since they broke up with you.
For the most part, they likely seem more calm and as though they don’t share the sense of urgency that you likely feel.
At the moment, if the breakup is fresh, your ex likely seems comfortable staying away from you, going out with friends, and living independently of you.
That is because of the breakup principle of "control versus loss."
You likely feel it.
Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend has the power and you are begging for their mercy.
You are feeling the loss because it is out of your control.
People who don’t feel much or any control over a negative situation usually feel desperate, anxious, and panicked.
Does that sound familiar?
I’m sorry that you are going through this.
I have been there and, unlike others who call themselves “coach” but only make videos or sell products, I have actually coached people - thousands in fact.
Over the last two decades I’ve acquired extensive knowledge from my unique vantage point.
I’ve observed unmistakable patterns and tendencies.
Understanding the mindset of the person in your shoes and the person who initiated the breakup is a powerful thing and can help you get your ex back.
That is exactly what I want to help you do.
From the moment you hear the words that the one you love wants to breakup, the power dynamics shift.
You can feel it.
It’s a helpless and alarming realization that the ground of the relationship that you wanted crumbles beneath your feet.
As you begin to fall, you desperately grab at anything.
The person you thought loved you seems eerily unfamiliar as they do not extend a hand to help you up even though the ground beneath them seems solid.
In this way, the two of you are experiencing the breakup in completely different ways.
The Dumper's Experience is nothing like that of the person they dumped.
That is the reason your now-ex seems like a different person.
It's as though you don’t even know him/her.
The truth about getting your ex back is that your reaction is usually incorrect if you want your ex to change his/her mind and reunite with you.
Your reaction has probably been to beg, plead, reason, cry, and to be around your ex as much as possible.
You might have tried silence for a short period of time but felt even more panicked when your ex didn’t reach out in the time frame you thought they should.
You fear they are even further away.
You feel this because desperation and panic blind you to logic and rational thought.
The situation feels urgent, as though you must act now or lose the one you love forever.
But that is actually not true.
Your chances are actually far better if you embrace the mindset of there being plenty of time to get your ex back.
Desperation is not attractive and it might even come across as selfish.
Your ex feels that he/she doesn't want to be with you right now.
Your response to that is, "But I want to be with you, so please be with me anyway!"
It seems as though you don't care what your ex wants, only what you want.
I know you don't mean it that way and it doesn't feel that way.
It feels like you are responding out of love - and you are, but you are also responding from the feeling of loss.
You are trying to reclaim what you had and so the desire for that is incredibly intense. Often to the point of being obsessive.
Sometimes people in your place even feel more of the desire to get back what they lost than they feel love.
It's as though the loss motivates and drives you more than love. As though the two have become confused.
That's one of the downfalls to someone trying to get back together with the one they love.
You want to know how to get your ex back? It's in focusing more on love than on the loss.
The truth is, loss is what causes you to do the wrong things.
It leads to misguided attempts to get your ex back all at once instead of knowing the truth about getting your ex back - which is that it takes time.
The truth about getting your ex back is that it is a process.
You have to allow realizations to develop and to be established in the mind of your ex.
This can't be rushed.
It's not like other things in life, where if you put enough people on the project or pull an "all-nighter," you can accomplish the desired outcome faster.
Our world is all about speed. We microwave it and demand that things happen with the push of a button.
The difference is that time is actually PART of the process in getting your ex back.
It's not just that it takes time for your ex to go through stages during no contact, it's that time actually plays a large role in triggering the stages.
Your ex needs to look down at their phone and actually realize that it's been two weeks or a month since you have texted.
Your ex literally needs to think, "What the heck? It's been a month since I've heard from Morgan!" (Totally made up name there)
Your ex needs not only to feel the time pass that you are being silent and using the no contact rule, but also to visually see how much time has actually passed that you have been able to stay away.
It is there then that your ex can finally start to experience the consequences of the breakup that you have been experiencing already.
You see, that is when your ex starts feeling the loss that has motivated you so strongly and intensely.
It is at this point that the odds are greatest of your ex being motivated enough to reach out to you.
That doesn't mean that they want to get back together in that exact moment (though about 30% of the time they will be clear about that), but they are at least missing you, moving in your direction, and wanting to feel the connection you two shared.
Again, your patience is key.
Like I mentioned above, avoid the temptation of trying to get it all at once.
Your ex's feelings (emotional attraction) didn't fall all at once and those feelings won't return that quickly either.
Your ex didn't wake up one morning and decide that he/she wanted to breakup with you.
It wasn't a whim.
It was likely a gradual emotional process that happened over weeks or months.
You probably even noticed them becoming distant, not texting or calling as much, seeming "down," or not wanting to be physically or verbally affectionate as much (or at all).
Sometimes that happens with situations of life unrelated to the relationship and people come out of it.
Other times it's because attraction is falling.
The truth is, sometimes people break up with another person because they feel that the "spark" is fading or even gone.
The decision to break up because of the spark fading is an immature one because it is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of love.
In fact, the person who breaks up because of that is likely reacting to coming off the highs of the madly-in-love mental phenomenon known as limerence.
In short, limerence is the intense feeling that usually comes with a new relationship. It's the "honeymoon phase" or the "fireworks" typically felt from dating someone new with whom we strongly connect.
The truth is, it's not love.
Love - real love - is based on commitment and companionship. It's not based on emotional or physical highs.
Because there will be low times.
In the case of limerence, the highs are literally chemical highs in the brain (and you can read more about it in this article on limerence. If you are going to read more about it, be sure to open that link in a new window so that you can read it later and finish this article in addition to watching my video above.
The interesting thing is that fear of loss is a large part of the highs associated with limerence.
In a new relationship, people realize that they haven't known this new person very long or at least haven't been dating them long.
Since that history isn't there, the vulnerability of the relationship is obvious.
That is where the fear of loss can drive someone into an intense limerence experience.
Fear of loss makes this person seem extremely valuable and attractive.
Because the future with this person is uncertain, a person can develop the feeling that a life with that person would be a dream come true.
A person in this state of mind often believes that he or she has "never felt this way before." And they will likely even say that.
Sometimes it's true.
Sometimes it's an illusion of limerence in that the highs felts tend to rewrite memories in terms of what we felt in the past for another.
So fear of loss is a key concept to understand as you act to get your ex back.
You must let your ex feel the loss in order to revive some of those strong feelings.
You don't want to base your relationship on the ups and downs of brain chemicals, but in the short term, it can be effective at getting your ex to reconsider the breakup and to move toward you.
In my Emergency Breakup Kit, I go over how to move forward after a breakup so that your relationship isn't vulnerable to such ups and downs. I strongly suggest you get the kit so that you avoid the mistakes but also do the right things to have the best chance of getting your ex back.
I wish you the best!