This is Coach Lee and I'm going to talk to you about what happens when your ex feels your loss.
What I mean is that after the breakup, when they feel like you are possibly going to get away from them, that you could be happy without them, and that they could actually want you back at some point and not be able to get you back (you're using the no contact rule, right?), this is what happens.
A real breakup is where you don't enable them to learn to live without you.
You don't enable them to move on from you and you're not holding their hand and making it easy for them by being their friend or communicating with them a lot or telling them constantly that you are waiting for them to come back.
If you do those things, your ex will feel that getting back together with you is just something that if they ever choose, that they can have.
However, when you don't do those things, they have to experience a real breakup.
They have to actually go through it.
And you may be thinking, well why would that matter since they wanted it over to begin with?
Well they did and they had a different view of you (which I'm going to talk about a little later in this post) but basically what happens is that at the breakup they assume you will always want them back and that this could just be a pause if that's all they wanted it to be.
They probably think that you'll just wait forever.
Your ex probably wouldn't say that exactly in those words and they might not even admit that they feel that way even to themselves but that is what they likely feel at a gut level and it's causing them to move forward with confidence because they have options in their mind and you are one of them - you are a backup plan if this breakup doesn't go like they think it will.
So if they think you will remain that way, it's easy for them to stay away from you and to do whatever they want.
During this time they might be with whoever they want because they assume if they change their mind, that they could get you back so there's no pressure.
But when you give them a real breakup, you make them sit in their own mess and it can be a beautiful thing to see when they realize you aren't going to bail them out and that they could have made a big mistake.
Before I get to number two, take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be notified when I have other videos on relationship dynamics, anxiety, attraction, love, and breakups.
Number two - this one is overlooked a lot.
You may be thinking, "Wait a minute! I thought I wasn't supposed to make it look easy!"
You're not and that's not what I'm talking about.
What I'm talking about is, some people will tell me "I check in with them and I'll say a are you still feeling the same? Have your feelings changed? Do you think you might want to give us another try?
It's as though you are working for them and so you're constantly checking up.
When you do that, it's offering them a way out and it's giving them a way that they can just get you back without any pain and without them having to come to you or without them having to be the one to actually apologize and pursue you.
But when you do as I said in the first point and you give them the breakup, what happens is that they realize that if they are to get you back, it's very clear whose role it is to fix this breakup.
It's their job to fix this breakup because you're not doing it.
You're not giving them that easy out, you're not constantly contacting them and telling them that you're staying right there.
You're not giving them the opportunity to make it where it's as though you're asking them back and they give in.
If you back out, it shows a clear path back to you and it's not through your work, it's through them having to eat some Humble Pie and come to you and hope you will take them back!
So it takes out some of the vagueness of the breakup where the question is asked, "Who goes after who? Who pursues who? Who asks the other person to take them back?"
If you aren't doing anything (you aren't chasing your ex), it's very clear who needs to contact who.
When they start to realize that this may have been a mistake, it's simple and it actually takes away some of that delay that can happen when they think that you're just going to keep chipping away and finally maybe they'll give in.
The problem with that is that usually it never reaches that point because you just kind of give them encouragement to know that you are there in backup plan mode and so there's never any pressure and they kind of wander off and eventually you will train them to move on because you're making sure that it doesn't hurt them.
If you stay in their life and in contact with your ex, they are not having to miss you.
So stay in no contact, give them the breakup and let them see there's a clear path back and you are not going to blaze that trail.
That it is going to be them.
It's very important and before I get to number three, get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. it's a powerful guide to help you get your ex back and it also provides information on how you can book a coaching session with one of my coaches.
Because when they broke up with you, every dumper feels this whether they admit it or not, they feel more attractive than you.
They feel that you are beneath them because they're the one breaking up with you.
If they wanted to be with you and they were attracted to you enough, they wouldn't be breaking up with you and so they see you as lower on the totem pole of attraction.
I say that a lot because it's true.
That's what happens at a breakup.
You see, if they were attracted to you enough, no obstacle could keep them away!
It's a hard truth but once you accept, it you can see how you can actually give yourself a good chance to get them back.
So when you give them the breakup and they have to actually experience your loss or realize your loss, your ex usually starts questioning everything about the breakup.
The reason for that is because you aren't behaving as someone who is beneath them or like someone who's less attractive.
If you were "less attractive," you would be begging, pleading and you would be desperate.
It would be a nuisance to your ex.
They assume that you will become that nuisance because that's what they've probably seen with other people in their life who've gone through breakups.
The person who's dumped usually begs and pleads and buys gifts and shows up and sends letters and poetry and does all these things trying to earn them back.
But when you're not doing that, in some ways, it's like they have to go back in time because usually they assume that you will do all of those things and so they go ahead and they put you in this lower rung on the attraction totem pole BUT when you don't do that, you go up a level in terms of attraction.
And I'm not being specific that this causes a one level increase and that causes a two level increase - that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying that you go up and then when you continue to defy their expectations, that's when they start to wonder if you really were less attractive.
Maybe you two are more equal or maybe since you're not chasing them down, maybe you have options and you know that and that would mean you're more attractive than they are and so it can mess with their head!
And I realize you don't want to get them back just because you messed with their head/mind.
I understand that, but this is not the whole thing. It's just a part of it because sometimes they need their head messed with a little bit and they need to see a better view of reality and that is that you were more valuable than they thought you were.
So give them the breakup, show them you're not going to fix what they broke, and that you have confidence and options for the future and it will change the attraction dynamics and that's a good thing for you if you want a good chance at getting your ex back.
Number four is vitally important because so many of you in the comments on YouTube something like, "If I use the no contact rule and I just give them the breakup, won't that just cause them to be distracted by somebody else? Won't that just make them look and see what else is out there since they're not hearing from me?"
No, usually and almost always it does the exact opposite!
You see, because they realize that you weren't as easy as they thought, that you aren't going to just stay in backup plan mode and that there are options for you and that you're showing them you're strong enough to stay away and to just give them this breakup!
If that's what they want, the strength that is required to do that is obvious to them even if they don't put it into words or think the exact thought.
It's something that they observe and they have an instinctive response to it and a lot of times they don't even realize it's happening before they take action.
It's really interesting to see and what it does is, it keeps their focus on you because you are the one who is not playing by the rules, you're not making it easy on them, you are not acting like someone who has been dumped and is miserable and will do anything to get them back.
They don't know anything about what's going on with you and so the assumption is you have other things going on and you have other people going on and so their focus becomes wondering what's going on with you.
It will slow them down because you're the one now who might be more difficult and who might be more attractive than they thought.
You might have options that they didn't even consider when they broke up with you (oops)!
That revelation is so important because when they broke up with you because you were lower on that attraction totem pole, even though intellectually they might admit that you have options, they don't see them as realistic because they see you as less attractive (are you noticing a theme?).
And so they don't see a threat out there.
It's all artificial in that case because they're not dealing with a real breakup.
They don't see a threat and they think you'll just be waiting forever.
That's not what's really going on and so that's why sometimes it seems so easy for them. But when they have to focus on you because they don't know how to predict your next move because you're not making any moves, it's a thing of beauty and so many people will tell me, "I didn't think there was a chance! I was doing no contact, I hadn't heard from them, and I didn't think anything was happening. I even assumed they were dating."
And then all of a sudden, they get that text or that call.
Their ex wants to meet up. I'm not telling you it happens in every situation, but I'm telling you it happens a lot and there's a good chance if you just stick with what I'm telling you that it can happen for you and I really hope that it does.
Their focus is on you because you're not playing by the rules of the breakup, which is that you will forever be the person they dumped who wants them back. None of that!
When you show them you're not going to play like that, it draws their focus and a lot of times, the majority of the time in fact, it keeps that focus away from other people.
It's amazing how that works!
And what do I mean by that?
I mean that if you two get back together, which happens a lot when you do what I'm telling you to do and you just simply give them the breakup, if things start going poorly in the future, instead of them thinking, "Well I'll just dump them and they'll chase me down again and they'll beg and they'll be on their best behavior and they will make me feel how attractive I am and maybe....just maybe.... I'll be gracious and take them back.”
Instead of that garbage of them seeing a breakup as potentially a punishment towards you if things don't go as they want, they will remember that you didn't chase them down, that you didn't try to fix what they broke, and that you just gave them the breakup
And so they don't see it as a way to manipulate you and that's so important if you think you're going to have a future with your ex or you want to have one.
Giving someone the breakup is the mature thing to do when somebody says they don't want you in their life.
You're not going to force your way back in and you're not going to stay where you're not wanted because you have more maturity and confidence in yourself than that.
You're going to stay away from them because that's what they say they want!
So you're going to give them that.
It's a great way of calling their bluff.
It's important they know that they can't use a breakup to get you to be their dancing monkey.
So if someone breaks up with you, show them that you believe in yourself enough that you will just give them the breakup.
You are not going to stay where you're not wanted and you're not going to beg someone to love you.
If they are confused and so they break up with you, it's a deal breaker at least to the point that you are not going to be the one to give them comfort to think they can just do whatever and you will be permanently waiting on them.
When you show them that, that's when they can feel your loss.
I HIGHLY recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit.
With it you can gain immensely from my two decades in the relationship-recovery service.
It is a powerful guide to help you get your ex back!
I truly wish you the very best!