The Psychology of Re-Attraction

Initial transcript of this video is below. Better formating is coming soon:

This is Coach Lee and i'm going to talk to you about the psychology of reattraction.

So it's important to understand that the principles of reattraction are different from the principles of attraction though all of the principles of attraction still apply when you're re-attracting someone, it can be quite a bit different simply because it has already happened before.

And when you have already attracted someone, we have to look at what changed.

And what's interesting is that the original factors of attraction could still be there and what I often see is that it's the time and the intimacy that, while a good thing, can be what causes attraction to fall when certain circumstances are allowed to happen and i'm going to explain.

There's a famous quote by Geoffrey Chaucer and he says:

Familiarity breeds contempt.

-Geoffrey Chaucer

And what that means is is that the more that you're around someone, the more that you experience what it's really like to be with someone and it happens a lot it's a daily thing - it happens for years, it happens for months, and that idealized image that you had of them originally tends to be shattered or at least fades significantly,

Those little things that they did in the beginning that seemed so cute are now kind of annoying.

That's a very common thing that I hear from people and it's backed up by psychological principles where i've been able to look at some of these studies and PhD research on intimacy and attraction and so, though this is a matter for another video, one of the keys to maintaining a relationship that can stand the test of time is that the two of you experience new things together and you grow together and things don't just simply become stale.

Now there's a difference in someone who just gets bored and wants to go off and be with other people or just break up and go see what's out there.

That's not what i'm talking about. I'm not talking about walking on eggshells and trying to constantly come up with things to do so this other person doesn't get bored.

Great relationships are often between people who can just be -who can just exist.

Maybe you're just laying in bed watching a movie and that's the highlight of the day and that's fine because you're together.

It doesn't have to be some amazing party or some tropical vacation.

And always having to do things to keep this other person interested - that sounds like a nightmare in a lot of ways and so that's not what i'm suggesting.

What needs to happen so that a relationship can be its best and has the best chance of being long-term is that the people in the relationship - the two people - understand that the circumstances of life, the details, and the situations, that those things are not the relationship - that this is about the other person and that they both will become devoted to the relationship and to each other and to nourishing what they have.

When it hasn't been nourished, that doesn't mean that you throw the baby out with the bathwater, that doesn't mean that you leave the relationship. That means that you turn back toward nourishing it with things that I've already mentioned and that I mentioned in other videos but let's talk for a moment about reattraction.

So that's where this person has decided they do not want to walk this path with you anymore and it's where they have not seen things as I mentioned they should. They have not seen things as these circumstances of life are separate and no matter what happens we are together and we are going to work through this.

When they stop seeing it that way, you can either decide that this is not worth it and that you are going to move on yourself or you can decide that you're going to try to reattract them and then work this out together and that takes grace and forgiveness toward the other person.

But if you decide to do that, that's your choice and don't let people tell you that you're making the wrong choice or that you should just ignore this person and walk your own way.

If you feel that it's worth giving it another shot, that's your business.

So here are my five steps in the psychology of reattraction:

1 - Exploit being taken for granted

That's what's happened here. Any breakup, any separation or divorce is where the other person has been taken for granted. The one who leaves is taking the person that they have left for granted and that means that they're saying you being in my life is already granted no matter what situation i'm in.

It means you'll be there, that you are a given and so I can do whatever I want and if I ever change my mind, I can get you back.

But they don't think they're going to change their mind and so even that is not concerning for them at all that they could be wrong about that. It's an assumption that they just walk with when they leave you but it likely extended all the way back into the relationship at least in the final stages.

Before the breakup, this person took you for granted and breaking up with you is the ultimate in taking you for granted.

How you exploit that is you show them that your presence is not granted in their life. It's not some wish that's been granted permanently but it's actually something that is at great risk based on their actions.

And how you do that simply is you don't chase them, you don't try to talk them back into your life, you don't constantly check on them and you don't pursue them.

For one thing, this has already been done most likely. Usually when the other person breaks up with someone, that person who's being broken up with will say, "I don't want this, I love you. What can we do?

The other person says, "No, I don't want that." And so that statement, that you will change and that you want this relationship has already been said and it's already known.

So it doesn't have to be repeated and at this point, basically, you have to give them the breakup and that's how you exploit that they are taking you for granted.

You remove yourself from the situation because their assumption is something that they're usually not even aware of. They have to be asked and then when they start thinking about it and talking about it, they will actually say, "I kind of think I could just get them back if I wanted them."

That's a very common response from someone in that situation when they have to think about it but it's more of a gut-level emotion rather than a thought where they just feel like that because your value is lower and they, therefore, assume theirs is higher and that, just simply because of the math of the situation that they could get you back any time and you would gladly take them back.

So that's what you have to push against for starters.

Step number two of how to reattract someone is that you demonstrate independence

What that means is that you do things without informing them, without them knowing and without their help or their company.

You go do your own thing and a lot of the times that will get back to them because nowadays we are able to follow people and able to figure things out - especially if there's mutual friends.

Your ex or the person who is wanting to leave you will usually ask people about you even if they're not interested yet in getting back together with you.

They will ask someone what's going on with you and they find things out and if they see independent actions where you are living your life and you're doing your own thing, it's actually pushing against some of that taking for granted that they did but it's also something that is going to give them the biggest reality check on the breakup.

The reason for this is that before, when the two of you were intimate, hopefully you weren't codependent but you were choosing to depend on each other which is called interdependence.

When I expect and need something from you and I choose for that to be the case, I am interdependent with you. And it doesn't mean that I'm codependent.

So I'm not obsessed and I'm not unable to function if you were to cease to exist. So when you demonstrate independence, it is a big reality check for them because it shows that you are no longer in that intimate state with them.

You may think, "Well how do they not know that already if they broke up with me?"

They haven't thought that far ahead. Usually they haven't experienced the reality of it and it's just a concept. So when they actually have to see it, that's when they can actually feel a negative from it and experience negative consequences instead of just a mirage that they think they're going to run into.

So independent acts can be as simple as just going out and having a good time with your friends. It can be doing something new like buying a new car or another car. Developing a new hobby or finishing a project that you've been working on a long time and you just maybe have been putting it off, but it's something that's new and it can give you basically a different appearance and I'm not just speaking physically, I'm talking emotionally.

Emotionally you all of a sudden seem different than the person that they took for granted and the person who they were around so much that the familiar part of that bred contempt to where they didn't see you the same way as they used to.

Now they're seeing something different about you and are seeing all these things.

This is not what's going to win them back. This is just getting them to reconsider the details, the facts and the feelings of this situation and it's getting them to take a look at this again because you don't want to win somebody back just because you're doing something different or you're demonstrating independence.

Those are not good reasons to have someone come back to you because then it's all about performance and you don't want that in a relationship.

Number three - when they start to move towards you a little bit (which is very common) that you absorb their momentum instead of reflecting it

What I mean by that is is that when your ex reaches out to you, that you don't say how wonderful it is to hear from them or how much you've missed them or asking if they're feeling differently.

For things like that, I suggest that you absorb what they say by casually responding in a similar way to them.

For example: If they say something that's fairly extreme, like that they miss you, that's a good sign and that's good news but you need to be careful because if you give it back to them completely, you can actually start sending them back in the stages that your ex goes through during no contact.

You can send them back into some of those earlier stages where they're still relieved and enjoying being away from you because they start taking you for granted again.

So if you show them that nothing has changed and that everything is just as it was and that they can get you back if they want you back, then you're actually not doing yourself any favors at all.

And so a great thing to do is to simply respond in a similar way to them and then try to pull it back just a small amount.

For example: If they say they miss you, you can say, "I miss you too, but I hope you're doing well otherwise."

Basically to where you've made it casual and where you're not saying, "I miss you too, let's get together!"

Instead, you're actually pulling it back slightly and you're not trying to play head games with them but you are demonstrating maturity because you should be cautious of this person since they left you.

They walked away from you and they tossed the relationship aside. So you shouldn't be quick to just take them back.

Don't get me wrong, you should be open to it and you can even say something like - if they say they want to get back together - you can say, "I'm open to that, but I want to take it one day at a time."

The reason for this is because they need to know that you're not just easily gotten back. They need to feel that they might be able to get you back but they need to earn you back. That's important.

And so when they reach out to you, you need to be patient as far as getting this all back.

You don't want to get it all back with one conversation. You may admit that you're willing to move forward or that you're willing to consider moving forward but that's the extent that you need to do in this situation.

Before I go to step four, take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be notified when I have more content and videos like this.

Step number four in the psychology of re-attraction is that you go back to the beginning

And what I mean by this (it's a little more complicated than it sounds) is that you don't pick up where you left off with this person.

You take a step all the way back to the beginning. And it won't be perfect because you do know this person and you do have experiences with them but do your best to think about it as though you are going back to date number one or let's say number two since you already know them.

So that means they don't have all the privileged rights they had with you before.

Now those things are going to come along fairly quickly - physical intimacy, those kinds of things do develop fairly quickly when you're dating someone and it should take that path again, but it shouldn't all just return at one time.

But if you can look at it as that you are starting over with them and you're trying to build new experiences with them and you're trying to build a new relationship with them because the old one didn't work, that's by far the best strategy.

And so you want to look into what caused the issues. I also have available on my website what's called a temperament assessment and that's basically where you learn how you interact with people and how other people interact with you based on your temperament and you can learn how to prevent some of these bad things from bringing a relationship down like it did before.

And the Emergency Breakup Kit is a guide to get your ex back after a breakup.

Step number five is that you go back to the original attraction factors

Because at this point you've done what you need to do to reattract this person. They have now taken a seat at the table in front of you and you can do what you did in the beginning. You can be who you are because it worked before but along the way a lot of times we will begin to stop doing those things that we did in the beginning.

It's important to try to keep those things you did at the beginning in the mix and to try to keep them present in the relationship because that's what attracted this person.

So you want to attract them in an on going fashion as you journey with them in the relationship and life.

So the psychology of reattraction is somewhat different than original attraction, but it still has a basis in general psychological principles of attraction.

-Coach Lee
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