After a breakup, people often become desperate to get back together with the one who broke up with them.
It’s a natural flight-or-fight response because you feel the intense loss of something (in this case, someone) very important to you.
However, such a response usually disables you from thinking rationally about how you can give yourself the best chance to get back together with the one you love.
In the video above, I’m going to talk about how your actions after a breakup teach your ex several things about you and what they learn has the power to push them away or attract him/her to you again.
I suggest that you watch the video above carefully, all the way through, and then read the rest of this post.
We are constantly teaching people how to treat us.
That is true even if we don't intend to do so or aren't thinking about it.
This can certainly backfire, in that people who respond with anger or cruelty to others might teach the other person to be respectful to them, but that doesn't mean that they love that person and often will plan and execute their escape.
When you can't say, "no," when asked to take on a project even though you are already extremely busy with work, you teach people that they can use you as a servant of sorts.
When a parent does homework for their child because the child forgot or simply doesn't want to, that child learns that he/she can treat his parent like a slave and that he/she is above working to achieve things in life.
When someone racks up a lot of debt but you pay it off for them, you teach him/her that financial responsibility and spending consideration isn't important because they have you to bankroll them.
When you love someone and are in a relationship with him/her but they break up with you, your response teaches them a lot as well.
You can teach your ex some important things about you that can be helpful in re-attracting them.
1. For starters, you teach your ex that you can stay away from them.
Why is that important?
Well, let's say that your ex begins to doubt their decision of breaking up with you.
They doubt the breakup and start to at least consider that they made a mistake.
Because you are staying away, you give your ex the opportunity to miss you and to realize that they miss you when you aren't there.
The realization that they are actually missing you is one of the most important parts of this.
But there's more.
If you give your ex the opportunity to miss you and in that experience they consider getting back together with you, how you responded to the breakup matters a great deal.
Because if you wouldn't respect your ex's decision to break up with you and you caused a lot of drama, your ex realizes that if they get back together with you but it doesn't work out again, they will have to experience your dramatic, angry, pestering response all over again.
That's not what you want to teach your ex.
Teaching them that could cause them to delay and wait longer before they approach you about getting back together, which could lower your overall chances of getting back together with them.
2. By using the No Contact Rule and showing your ex that you respect their decision, you also show them that you won't fix the breakup for them.
What do I mean by that?
Well, if your ex was beginning to see that breaking up with you was a mistake, the next step for them would be to reach out to you and ask you to take them back.
That entire process increases your attraction and your ex appreciates the opportunity of getting back together with you.
However, if you have been the one begging for the two of you to get back together and you haven't left your ex alone, you teach your ex that you will give them multiple opportunities to be bailed out of their bad decision.
In other words, if your ex realizes the breakup was a mistake but you are the one who asks to get back together, you teach your ex that you will bail them out of their mess.
That lesson can actually make it more likely for a breakup to happen again and keeps your attraction low.
You want your ex to know that breaking up is a huge decision that can have disastrous repercussions.
You want your ex to know that breaking up with you could mean that he/she loses you forever.
Knowing that and internalizing that can encourage your ex to stick it out and work on the relationship (that should be the approach we all have when there is difficulty in a relationship).
You don't want your ex to take it lightly and just figure that even if it is the wrong decision, they can break up with you again and you'll just give opportunities for them to get back together with you like you're a little puppy dog begging for attention.
That's not healthy and can even train your ex to be narcissistic in their approach to your relationship.
If you literally show your ex that he/she can mistreat you and desecrate the relationship, but you'll keep fawning after them, you are actually rewarding their actions.
"Dump me and I'll beg for your presence."
Which brings me to the third thing that a bad response to a breakup can teach your ex.
3. A bad response to a breakup can teach your ex that dumping you will feed their ego and sense of attractiveness.
If your ex breaks up with you and you make him/her feel more attractive and sexy in your effort to get back together with them (chasing, kissing up, bribing with gifts, etc.), you actually reward them for breaking up with you.
I bet that's something you hadn't thought about!
I've seen some pretty extreme cases where someone learns that they get an ego stroke by breaking up with someone, and they use breaking up with them to feel sexy.
That's right, I've actually seen people use dumping someone to make themselves feel more attractive.
When I realize that is what is happening I always recommend that the person who was dumped NOT try to get back together with that person.
People even do it in marriage relationships in the form of leaving and separating from the other when they want the other to chase and make them feel sexier.
In those situations, divorce makes a lot of sense from the side of the person being used and manipulated.
It takes a sick, immature, and small person to inflict pain on the other so that they can feel more attractive.
I usually have difficulty convincing the person not to go back because the person using the breakup to make themselves feel attractive has usually brainwashed them.
It's important that you teach your ex the right lesson after a breakup and not reward them for doing it.
It can be the difference between getting him/her back or not and it can also be the difference between training your ex to mistreat you or to treat you appropriately.
I HIGHLY recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit.
With it you can gain immensely from my two decades in the relationship-recovery service.
It is a powerful guide to help you get your ex back!
I truly wish you the very best!