Should You Play Hard To Get To Get A Boyfriend Or Girlfriend?

One of the topics I talk about most is getting your ex back after a breakup.

While I am certainly going to talk about that in this important post, I am also going to talk about general attraction and relationships as well.

In the video above and in this post, I'll talk about two things:

First, should you play hard to get to get your ex back?

Second, does "hard to get" work if you are wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Be sure to watch the video above all the way through first and then read this post carefully and completely.

There is no short supply of clichés out there.

Here are a few examples:

"Everything happens for a reason."

"It's going to get worse before it gets better."

"If it's meant to be, it will be."

"If you set your mind to it, you can do anything."

Whether those are true or not is for a different post that I'll probably never write, but the question I want to ask you to help in your deprogramming is, "Of the things that you believe, how many are you sure are true?"

Just because we hear people say it a lot and it looks good on a meme or picture of the mountains doesn't mean that it's true.

The same can be said with the relationship strategy we hear about all the time called, "Playing hard to get."

Hard To Get To Find Love (A Boyfriend or Girlfriend)

I'll talk about whether or not you should play hard to get to get your ex back in a minute.

But, rather than skip to that part if that's what you are interested in, I encourage you to read this part carefully to educate yourself more on relationships.

First I'll talk about this strategy for those looking for love and romance.

Women, especially, are often told from a young age that they must play hard to get with men in order to attract them.

They are told that men love to chase and won't be interested in them unless they are playing the game of hard to get and making things difficult, rather than easy, on the guy.

On coaching calls with me, women often explain their strategies to me as though they believe they have been flawless in their attraction recipe with a man in that they didn't show much interest, didn't text him first after a date, or even rejected his first invitation of going out.

Often times they are on a call with me because they are confused about why they haven't been able to attract a boyfriend or husband (or why it is difficult for them to do so).

Men seem to be on one extreme or the other with some believing that they should play "hard to get" while others believe they should do just the opposite and shower the woman they are interested in with compliments, gifts, and demonstrations of interest and/or love.

The men who play hard to get have told me they do so by not contacting women after a first date, ignoring them for days at a time, and pretending that they aren't interested in her.

Modern dating has turned into a game of who is going to blink first and then if it doesn't work out both assume the other wasn't interested and fret that the dating world is too complicated and tough these days.

What I Hear From People On The Other Side of The Hard To Get Game

When people utilize my coaching services, they tell me a lot of their experiences.

Because we still live in a world where the man is still usually considered to be (or preferred to be) the "pursuer," I have spoken to a large number of men who want to get a girlfriend.

They tell me of their experiences, often with great anxiety and frustration.

Many report being terrified of approaching women because of the number of times they have been rejected.

Often times I speak to a man who has been rejected over one hundred times and can't bring himself to approach a woman again to offer to buy her a drink or to see if she would like to get dinner, etc.

A man in this situation has lost confidence in himself and usually admits that he feels like he isn't attractive and might even be ugly.

"Maybe I just disgust women," I hear extremely sad men say - often in tears.

What is interesting is to contrast this with the number of women who contact me, confused as to why they don't have a boyfriend (or husband).

They explain that they played hard to get, like they "should," and sometimes seem irritated that men haven't done as they should and chase/pursue harder.

This isn't a criticism about women or men.

I simply want to get you to think about what should be valuable insight into the world of those who play hard to get and those who receive it.

Sometimes men play hard to get and women are on the side of doubting their attractiveness and desirability.

I often hear women describe playing hard to get as dismissing or rejecting a man when he first approaches or by trying to seem uninterested in him.

Conversely, I hear men explain what that feels like when they receive such a response and they almost always see it as "another" rejection to add to the list.

The idea that they would keep pursuing and/or chasing seems ridiculous to them because of how they already feel from the rejections and difficulty they have faced and from what appears to them to be lack of interest on the part of the woman.

Pursuing or trying to get this woman to give them a chance seems pointless and even painful.

Again, I'm not saying that hard-to-get is always played by a woman and men are always on the receiving end.

I'm simply saying that after 20 years of relationship coaching that patterns and a sense of what happens in the majority of cases emerges.

I'm only trying to help those of you who are frustrated because your efforts don't seem to be working.

Should You Be "Easy To Get?"

Whenever there is criticism of one view or side, the tendency is to jump to a conclusion.

No, I'm not suggesting that you should be "easy to get" either.

Both extremes fail much more than they work.

What I am suggesting however, is that you be somewhere in the middle.

I am also suggesting that you don't play games.

If you are trying to play games, that's likely your first problem.

Rather than think of it as playing hard to get, think of it as being patient and deliberate about finding the right person.

The person you are interested in shouldn't feel that you are rejecting him or her or that you are purposefully making it tough on him or her.

You can be cautious and reserved, but things should still progress.

If you stifle or frustrate the person you want to pursue you, the odds are that he or she will simply give up.

That's because most men have experienced a lot of rejections and are basically traumatized from them and, for the most part, women don't have as much experience with rejection since they are used to the man pursuing - so the rejection can come as a shock.

Who wants rejection and to feel that they aren't attractive or desired?

Regardless if we are male or female, everyone wants to feel attractive, desired, appealing, lusted after, and wanted.

If the other person doesn't feel that from you, at least in a way that shows there is progress and possibilities, then it's unlikely they will continue to pursue you.

Things should move slowly, but they should move!

I get into this more in the video above and STRONGLY suggest that you go back up and watch it all the way through carefully.

Again, let me emphasize, "all the way through carefully."

Should You Play Hard To Get To Get Your Ex Back?

Hard to get to reunite with ex

If you already subscribe to me on YouTube, and if you aren't subscribed, do so to be notified when I have new videos on dating, breakups, attraction, and mindfulness, but if you already do, you likely know that I talk a lot about the No Contact Rule as the appropriate response after a breakup.

That response not only gives you the best chance to get your ex back, but it is also the best thing you can do to emotionally heal from the breakup as quickly as possible.

A lot of people equate the No Contact Rule with playing hard to get.

I'll suggest that rule and people often respond with, "Play hard to get, right."

That's not what I said.

Using no contact is not the same thing.

If someone says that he or she wants to be alone, goes to their room, and closes the door, are you playing hard to get if you don't go banging on the door, demanding that they let in?

The answer, of course, is no.

When someone breaks up with you, they are ending the relationship.

That means that if you continue to communicate with him or her, see them, or interact with him/her that you are not respecting their decision or giving them the breakup.

No Contact is giving your ex the breakup.

How else can your ex know they don't want the breakup unless you give it to them?

If you believe in the relationship you two had (and yourself), than leave your ex alone so that they can miss both you and the relationship.

The only way that your ex can miss you is if you aren't there.

There is another post that I have called, "Stages Your Ex Goes Through During No Contact."

I recommend that post more than any other so I suggest you open it in a new window and consume it after you finish reading this article.

Playing hard to get is only done when someone is attempting, "to get," you.

If your ex broke up with you, they aren't attempting to get you right now anyway.

What If My Ex Contacts Me During No Contact?

This is where some coaches suggest you actually play hard to get.

They will tell you that if you use the No Contact Rule and it works, meaning that your ex is reaching out to you, that you should ignore your ex.

This is possibly the worst thing that you could do.


Because your ex is making movement toward you.

Rejecting him or her can absolutely destroy that momentum.

Women, because they have been taught from a young age to be difficult to get, are often the most comfortable with ignoring an ex even (or especially) if they want him back.

They are also often the ones who feel most devastated and surprised when they are on a coaching call with me and they say, "Coach Lee, no contact worked great. He started reaching out but then he just stopped."

I ask what the conversations where about and they proudly tell me that there weren't any conversations because they didn't respond.

You know, they played hard to get like they were "supposed to."

So I put my palm to my forehead and explain to them what happened.

He figured he had blown it and didn't want to be ignored again.

He would just try to move on, even though it would be tough for him.

Newsflash, no one likes rejection.

So you might get away with ignoring your ex once or maybe twice but it's likely you won't hear from him/her again.

I'm not basing this on nice-sounding theory.

Ignoring your ex is partly based on the idea of getting revenge, but if you want your ex back, ignoring them is not the way to go even if you are still hurt and angry at him/her.

Just as I mentioned above when it came to dating and building a relationship, move slowly and have a little bit of reservation.

You certainly don't want to give it back to your ex all at once.

I go into what to say when your ex asks to get back together as well as how to interact with him or her when they are trying to get back together with you in my Emergency Breakup Kit.

With that online course you can gain from my two decades in the relationship-recovery service.

It is a powerful resource to help you get your ex back!

Just remember, those who play hard to get, are often given up on!

It's interesting how 20 years of professional observation, research, and real-life cases can destroy nice-sounding theories. 

I truly wish you the best.

-Coach Lee
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