Be sure to watch my important video above all the way through (and to subscribe).
One of the most frequent questions I receive is, "Should I wish my ex a happy birthday?"
Or, "Should I wish my ex a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year (or Happy Hanukkah)?"
Feel free to insert other holidays (like Easter and important days like job promotions, starting a business, graduation, or other accomplishments by your ex.
The Christmas season (and other holidays) brings an unusually high breakup and divorce rate.
If you're waiting for the answer about wishing your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend a happy birthday, I'm getting to that first but you need to understand some things before I simply say the answer.
Because you will want to know why, right?
People tend to fight me on the concept of the No Contact Rule.
Coaching clients tend to play a game of gotcha with me.
The person trying to get their ex back seems to try to find a situation where they can contact their ex and where I'll be cool with it.
The desire to contact an ex is so strong and that's mostly because it provides a sense of control.
You see, when you are dumped, your ex feels the power and control.
You on the other hand, feel the loss and absence of control.
You are in a position to where the temptation is strong to beg the one with "the power" to give you mercy.
That's why so many people beg, plead, and try to talk their ex into getting back together with them.
It doesn't work except in rare cases that usually only result in a temporary reconciliation that is mostly pity.
But because people are desperate to feel some control and they don't realize that no contact is a way for them to actually take control and make a decision about their response, they seek ways around it.
Most people just don't understand how powerful the no contact rule is and that they should trust it.
So they say something like, "I was planning to text my ex on his/her birthday. What do you think? I don't want to look like a jerk/witch."
Here's what I think based on 20 years of experience:
The strategy behind no contact, in addition for being best for you as the person who was dumped, is to give your ex the breakup.
Why give your ex the breakup?
Because that's the only way they can know that they don't want it.
If you fight them on the breakup, you inadvertently make the breakup a prize that they are seeking!
You become an obstacle that your ex must overcome to get to what it is that they think they want.
In that way, you train your ex to reject you.
So should you text your ex "happy birthday," on that day?
What might this have to do with giving him/her the breakup?
In my post, "What your ex is thinking during no contact," I have a video there where I explain what your ex is likely thinking while you are using no contact.
I also have a post where I talk about the stages your ex goes through during no contact.
I highly recommend that you open those two links above in a new tab and read them thoroughly after you have completed this article (and watched the video above all the way through).
Getting your ex back is largely dependent on your understanding and knowledge of how to react in certain situations and what to expect.
So I encourage you to take your time on this article, on my videos, and on the links I've posted on this page.
I'm honestly trying to help you.
So back to what happens when you contact your ex on their birthday:
I mentioned giving your ex the breakup and why that's important.
You probably want to know how to make your ex miss you.
That's because you instinctively know how important that is to getting back together with your ex.
They have to miss you to want you back or else, why else would they want to get back together with you?
Your ex has to feel the negative feelings of missing you and see the solution to that ache to be getting back together with you.
So my question to you is, how can your ex miss you if you are communicating with your them?
And here is the kicker.
On your ex's birthday, you have a powerful opportunity for them to notice your absence in a more powerful way than just a typical day.
Your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend is going to be hearing from friends and family on that day.
Their Facebook and Instagram will likely be heavy with birthday wishes.
Even if your ex is still strongly feeling that he or she wants the breakup (want to know why your ex broke up with you?).
Again, stay with me here.
If you want to read the article I linked to above, open it in a new tab and read it after you're finished with this one.
It's vital that you are as educated as possible on what is going on here.
So on your ex's birthday, he/she can't help but notice a name missing from the well wishers.
Of course your ex will notice!
In fact, it was probably on their mind the night before.
Even if your ex was just worried that it would be awkward when you reached out to them with that birthday wish, they still expected it.
And if you defy their expectations, you show them a thing or two.
First, you show them that you are strong enough to stay away from them.
That's an attractive thing and it will underscore that you are accepting the breakup in the mind of your ex.
That's important because we want your ex to wonder if they could get you back.
We don't want them to think that they absolutely can't get you back, but we want them to wonder about it a bit.
That way your ex won't think of you as being comfortably in back-up-plan mode should they ever want you back.
You are wanting to put pressure on them, right?
Well this is the only kind of good pressure that can help get your ex back.
Second, you give them a preview of what life is like without you.
No birthday wishes from you.
Just memories and wondering why you didn't contact them.
Your ex could wonder, "Is he moving on?"
"Is she fine with the breakup?"
"Did I blow it with...."
And so your ex must experience the consequences of their decision to break up with you.
After all, how can your ex know that he/she doesn't want the breakup if they don't get to experience the breakup?
How do you know that needles hurt?
You've felt them.
How do you know that you don't want to be food poisoned?
So allow your ex is to notice your absence on their birthday.
Let him/her see that you respect their wishes and aren't going to force your way into their life.
Do you think your ex has an ego?
No need to think about it, I'll just tell you that they absolutely do.
Even if you think that your ex is a wonderful, humble, genuine person, he/she has an ego.
And if your ex broke up with you, their ego got a shot in the arm.
You see, even though breaking up with you and the pain of that isn't something that your ex wishes on you (unless you had an awful relationship of fighting, hurt, and rage), your ex felt a boost to their sense of personal attraction when they broke up with you.
The reason that your ex felt more attractive after breaking up with you is because it was your ex who set you aside, rejected you, and basically said, "You aren't good enough for me."
No matter what excuse/reason your ex actually gave you for the breakup (most are just vague excuses that your ex feels you can't argue with like, "I need to work on myself"), the main reason for the breakup is a drop in attraction.
If your ex was attracted to you enough - emotionally and physically - he/she would have found a way to stay.
They would have fought and endured whatever it took.
But since attraction fell, their motivation fell.
So your ex felt above you to some degree since he/she was the one breaking up with you.
When you don't chase your ex, beg, plead, or contact them on their birthday, your ex usually begins to doubt their attraction level some or a lot.
What's more, you actually feed your ex's ego by doing those things (begging, pleading, contacting, chasing, reaching out, calling, etc.).
But by not contacting your ex, you turn the tables a bit.
You see, your ex wants you to contact them. (That's a link to another article I high suggest you open in a new tab and read first when you are finished with this one. Consider all of this your homework to get your ex back.)
If you don't contact your ex, he/she can't put you in backup-plan mode because he/she isn't sure that you are still attracted to them as strongly as you once were.
When their sense of their own attraction goes down (in the mind of your ex), yours goes up.
It's funny how that works, but that is HOW it works.
So give your ex the gift of the breakup on their birthday.
It's what they said they wanted after all.
Wrap it in a pretty little bow and let them open it!
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through if you just came here for information on contacting your ex on his/her birthday.
But I also encourage you to read about contacting your ex on Christmas, New Years and holidays as well because there's always some special day right around the corner - even if it's just because you wonder if you should congratulate your ex for an achievement (like a raise or promotion at work, starting a business, graduating, becoming a billionaire, etc.).
Why are there so many breakups near holidays?
Meeting the Family:
One of the reasons I've observed for some couples breaking up during the holidays is because that time of year is often when the new boyfriend or new girlfriend meets the parents along with other family members.
Why would this cause a breakup?
Mostly because the seriousness of the relationship reaches a new level and it can be spooky for one or both partners.
That is certainly the case if the interactions between the significant other and the family are awkward, disappointing or even hostile.
Reality can set in and one partner can lose the ability to see a future for the couple because things don't seem to click with their family.
I've noticed that there's often an uptick in ex's reaching out during or just after the holidays.
Christmas lights, Thanksgiving meals, Happy New Year countdowns, Hallmark movies and ugly-sweater parties have a way of reminding people of holidays with ex lovers.
Many of us tend to romanticize the past and don't see what is currently happening as being memorable until well after it's over.
That can sometimes place an ex on a pedestal since that person is visible only in sentimental memories.
They seem scarce and, therefore, can be viewed as more valuable, attractive, or as the one that got away.
That can cause someone to feel that they have made a terrible mistake if they were the one who initiated the breakup.
Or it can cause the person who was broken up with to decide that they are going to try to win that person back.
New relationships are especially vulnerable to the holiday curse because they don't usually don't have enough history yet to cause the two people to "feel like family," which is something I talk a lot about in my videos and on my website.
That can allow doubt to creep in if such a connection and history existed with someone else who appears in holiday memories.
Potential for Conflict:
During certain holidays, there is often a lot of planning, participating in traditions, joint decisions, and travel.
As mentioned earlier, if the new boyfriend is meeting family for the first time or seeing them again, she obviously wants things to go well and might project some of that stress onto him (and vice versa).
There is a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest that couples argue the most during the winter holidays compared to any other time of the year on average.
That would apply to new couples as well.
This can often be one of their first arguments and expose each of them to how the other person fights.
The potential for hurt feelings, anger, and perceived irreconcilable differences to arise is tremendous.
This can cause some to simply throw in the hat and end the relationship.
After a breakup and especially during important times of the year like holidays, it's important to surround yourself with friends and family.
That is, people who won't break up with you.
In that way, you feel loved and involved.
And it can be a good distraction that can allow you to see that there is more to life even though your pain is certainly real and valid.
Plan a NEW tradition with friends of family.
This way, even though the cherished traditions you might already have with family and friends could remind you of your ex, you will be able to have a new focal point where it will be easier to stay in the moment with family.
So do some research ahead of time to determine what the new tradition could be.
Be sure that it involves as many people as possible regardless of age or physical abilities.
Also be sure that it's not too trendy or else it might not have staying power.
Avoid noisy places where conversations can't truly occur.
Then get people on board ahead of time so that they are aware of and ready for this new tradition that involves those you love (that will hopefully prevent drama when it comes time for the activity).
Become your own event planner.
What I mean is, get out your phone and start filling up your calendar with nights or days out with friends.
Start making calls weeks ahead of time and invite your friends out for dinner, rock climbing, drinks, coffee, to go to the driving range, see a movie, take a walk, meet at the dog park or to go to a holiday party.
Be diligent about filling up your calendar with several days a week where you have social plans.
This will prevent you from wallowing in your pain at home alone, will give you something to look forward to, and will allow you to interact in relationships.
It can be beneficial to confide in your friends about your pain from the breakup, but let me caution you not to overdo it.
Be aware of how much time you are spending talking about it.
Too much and people can start to find excuses to stay away from you simply because too much negativity can pull them down too.
No one is perfect.
Good friends can certainly comfort you and be good listeners, but just keep in mind that you need to be respectful of how much you ask them to take on.
Never say never in terms of getting your ex back.
I see people get back together every day.
My inbox refills daily with people telling me that they are back together with the one who they love.
So while I certainly don't suggest that you put all of your energy and thought into your ex and how you can get back together with them, I do suggest that you remind yourself that it is possible because the future is open and unwritten.
No need to close the door or give up.
Be sure to read those other articles and to watch my video. None of that costs you a cent yet you gain from my experience and effort (and I truly hope that you do).
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.