Should I Use The No Contact Rule for a Long Distance Relationship Breakup?


In this video, relationship strategist Coach Lee answers the question, "Should I use the no contact rule for my long distance relationship breakup?"

Does No Contact Work In Long Distance Relationships?

No contact with an ex romantic partner is an effective way to allow that person to truly experience the negative consequences of the breakup and it generally affects those in long distance relationships in similar ways.

Refraining from contacting your ex often results in them reaching out to you during that time.

However, there are ways that long distance breakups are different during no contact.

It is recommended that you watch the video above all the way through and then read the accompanying content below in order to retain and reinforce this knowledge so that you have the best chance possible of getting your ex back.

The content below is not a transcript and is a different presentation of the content from the video.

People often ask on a coaching call with Lee if they should use no contact for the breakup of their long distance relationship and how to fix a long distance relationship breakup.

Long Distance Relationships and The No Contact Rule

by Coach Lee

long distance and no contactThe no contact rule is tried and true in the world of relationship recovery.

For both dating and marriage relationships, there is tremendous power and effectiveness in allowing the person who thinks that they no longer want the relationship to experience the consequences of their actions.

This is not being cruel but, rather, is a mature response that allows the other person to truly experience what has only been a concept to them so far.

You can read more about the no contact rule (open that link in a new window so that you can easily continue reading this article later) if you are new to the concept.

Often when I'm on a coaching call with a new client, I am asked if no contact will work in a long distance relationship breakup (and if it will fix things).

So I finally decided to do a video about it (see above) and this accompanying article.

Most people correctly realize that to some degree, long distance relationships are different and that breakups of long distance relationships are different as well.

long distance relationshipWhat Makes Long Distance Breakups Different Regarding No Contact?

First of all, a long distance relationship is a form of no contact already.


It's a form of limited or no physical contact.

It is often that I speak to someone in a long distance relationship who has been together with the other person for a long time - sometimes even years - but they have only met this person face to face one single time.

I've even coached people in serious long distance relationships who have never met!

That might be surprising but that is the world of long distance.

It's expensive and time consuming to travel to see someone and some people simply can't afford to spend the money or time.

So, if you are in a long distance romance, the person who has broken up with you has already experienced no contact from you physically. 

And though we might like to think otherwise, that is a difficult form of contact to go without long term.

We can get by temporarily with only our phones to communicate, but doing without touch, body language, hugs, kisses, and other physical contact is extremely difficult and even harmful for a relationship.

Human beings are comprised of three parts - body, mind, and soul.

If you take one of those parts away, we aren't fully human.

And if your significant other, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend goes without experiencing any one of those sides of you, the relationship will likely struggle.

I wish it wasn't so, but humans are meant to experience other humans physically - especially those we love and are committed to.

I'm not talking specifically about sex, but that is certainly part of a strong, balanced relationship along with being a need of each person in the relationship and we take that for granted at great risk to the relationship.

It's not shallow to acknowledge that relationships have physical needs and requirements. It's just being real.

Long Distance Breakup

So what makes a long distance breakup different is that the other person is used to doing without you.

So using no contact to let the other person experience the consequences of the breakup, to miss you, and to notice that you aren't pursuing them is sometimes less effective.

Don't misunderstand, it's still best to stop contact after a long distance breakup.

It's still what you need to do if you want to “fix” things.

That being said, the timing of things can be different from what I usually recommend to people who are in a local breakup.

With a long distance breakup, as with basically all breakups, the reason the person wants to end a relationship is because of a drop in emotional attraction.

In local breakups, there is a large list of excuses and given reasons for leaving, but the real reason is that emotional attraction - a key motivator for being in a relationship - has fallen to some degree.

You might hear all kinds of excuses like, “I need to work on myself,” but these are very close to lies.

If the person was highly attracted to you, they would “work on themselves” with your support.

Bottom line:

If a person wants to be in a relation with another who wants the same, they will.

Long distance relationships however, are often different if the distance is stated as a reason for the breakup.

The distance hasn’t changed.

So what changed?

As I stated above, emotional attraction did, but the key here is that the distance can cause that.

Typically, addressing the given reason for a local breakup won’t get your ex back because attraction has been eroded and will usually require no contact to rebuild some of it.

It will take time.

Long distance breakups are different and that is why I specifically address them in my Emergency Breakup Kit.

In a long distance relationship breakup, the person dumping you often will not list distance as a reason.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes they will, but the point is that if your long-distance love broke up with you, you need to address the distance.

The reason for this is that your ex very possibly analyzed the future as though the status quo would not change.

In other words, your ex likely peered into the future and thought that you wouldn’t move to them or allow them to move to be with you.

They decided that they couldn’t see a future with you (and often say those exact words).

This realization is often followed by a noticeable distance.

Your text messages aren’t responded to as quickly or with as meaningful of a response.

That is one example and you likely notice others that lead you to feel a distance from them or a seemingly falling interest in the relationship.

What also could have happened is that all those days and nights of being physically away from you took a toll to the point that they had two options:

1. Endure the pain of missing you.

2. Get used to it so that it doesn’t hurt.

Unfortunately, if this is done, emotional attraction will collapse.

Missing someone is actually important and it is by some time apart occasionally that people learn how important the other is to them.

But an indefinite, permanent state of missing the other will devastate love.

The Distance Must Be Quantifiably Temporary

In other words, as I say in the video above (remember to watch it when you are finished reading this if you haven’t already and be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel as well) there must be light at the end of the tunnel.

And now is the time for that tunnel to be short.

Speak no more of “some days” and “one day.”

That is what got you to this point - where you were dumped and you are reading this article for help.

Now is the time for you to make a decision.

Do you want to be with this person enough to move?

Or at the very least, to commit to traveling considerably more so that the two of you are together much more.

Your ex might not take you up on that right away and that’s fine.

The key is that you give them something logical to have to bump up against in their head when they are reminding themselves of why they broke up with you.

In this way you eliminate the excuse that says, “Well, we never saw each other anyway and he/she wasn’t going to ever move anyway.”

Maybe it’s that you weren’t open to them moving to be with you.

Whichever it was, take the issue away.

Leave them to their thoughts and to having to think, “He did say he’d move.”

Or, “She did say that she would travel to me once a week from now on.”

Give them something to be drawn to on those days of doubt - and they will have them.

After you decide if you’ll bridge the gap geographically and you tell your ex, back off and go into no contact.

You have said your piece.

You have provided a direct logical pushback and now you have to let your ex experience life without you completely while knowing that they could have you in a more fulfilling way than before.

I didn’t say it would be easy, but being direct and bold here often pays off by you getting your ex back.

Again, I go over this in a structured and more strategic way in my Emergency Breakup Kit or you can book a coaching call with me.

If you haven't watched the video above, scroll back up to do that since I provide more detailed information there and because most people say that they gain new insights that really help from that video.

I truly wish you the best in getting your ex back!

-Coach Lee
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