by Coach Lee
In this post and video, I'm going to discuss what is keeping your ex from getting back together with you at this very moment.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through so that you truly understand the intricate details of what is going on and what you can do to have the best chance of getting your ex back.
Your ex has a few hurdles to getting back together with you that you probably don't realize even exist.
As I've said in other posts and other videos, getting your ex back is like baking a cake.
You can't just turn the heat up and bake the cake faster.
You'll just burn it up (I learned that as an 8-year old and didn't get ANY cake).
In terms of getting your ex back it is like baking a cake in that time is actually part of the equation.
It's an essential ingredient and the single biggest factor in your ex reconsidering their decision to break up with you in the first place.
If you think your ex wanted to be in a relationship that ended in a breakup, you've got another thing coming.
Assuming that your ex is a sane and decent human being, getting into a relationship just to end it and hurt you wasn't on their to-do list or resolutions for the year.
Even with attraction falling, which ultimately resulted in the breakup, your ex still cared about you as a person and didn't wish you pain.
That last statement was made assuming there wasn't a terrible fight in which one or both of you said hateful and hurtful things to each other.
If you two hate each other, obviously it's a different situation.
Generally speaking however, your ex still cares about you as a person and did so when they broke up with you.
Though it didn't mean they wanted to continue to be your romantic partner, it does mean that it wasn't a fun or positive experience for them to break up with you.
Your pain was painful for them.
So now, after some time has passed, your ex is likely to have gone through many of the stages typical for an ex to go though while you are using the No Contact Rule.
But what does it take for them to actually reach out to you?
In short, it takes your ex reaching a point to where he or she believes that they could want you back but not be able to get you back.
That possibility has to seem realistic to them at least but ideally, a major concern for them.
You might ask why your ex would care since it was his/her decision to break up with you in the first place.
Obviously, when your ex broke up with you, fear of losing you wasn't a concern because at that moment losing you was their goal.
That was because it was within their power and scope of control to lose you.
It was giving you up and not having you taken away.
That is how it feels in the days and weeks following the breakup - especially since you likely pushed back and tried to keep your ex from leaving.
It's alright that you did that.
You are human and reacting with hurt and attempting to save the relationship is understandable.
It is actually helpful, unless you overdid it, in the long run.
In the short run, however, it empowers your ex to feel more attractive than you and to have the general assumption that if he or she changed their mind, you could be gotten back quite easily.
Your ex feels pursued since the default assumption, if not outright understanding, is that you still want to be with them but they want to break up.
In that way, your ex is experiencing a fake breakup.
Your ex feels that there is no penalty for breaking up with you since you could be gotten back.
This is in stark contrast to what you are experiencing in that you hope you could get your ex back.
You have told your ex that you want to be together but your ex has rejected that desire.
You have loss and your ex has power.
It is only time without demonstrations of pursuit from you that can demonstrate to your ex that you could move on and that they could be in a position to want you back but not be able to get you.
Only that realization can place your ex in a position to truly rate the breakup as a positive or negative because he/she will be forced to experience the consequences.
Time both demonstrates this and potentially provides negative experiences such as their phone buzzing but not being a text from you.
Again, you might think, why would they care if it wasn't a text from me if they broke up with me?
The reason they often start to care is because the unspoken arrangement of the breakup is that you want to be with them but they don't want to be with you.
It is on that premise that your ex has been having an easy go at it.
Any chink in the armor, so to speak, threatens to shake their reality.
When it's not a text from you, even before your ex reaches the stage of concern, it is a disappointment.
Because the human brain likes to be right.
When you are right it means that you are capable of stability and peace.
When you are wrong, however, it means that the house of cards could come crashing down.
It might not instantly feel like disappointment to them, but your friend, time, slowly begins to whisper that disappointing observation in their ears.
Again, referring to my article on the stages your ex goes through during no contact, time without hearing from you is what escorts your ex into the stage of curiosity and then to the stage of concern.
It is in that stage that your ex must come fact to face with reality.
That reality is that they could be the one to lose you because wanting to be with you without being able to is loss in its purest form.
In the video above I explain more more the power of time and The No Contact rule.
These two go together like a horse and carriage.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.