In this post, Coach Lee discusses mistakes that you should be careful to avoid if you want your ex back after they broke up with you.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through and to take your time on this page so that you fully understand.
Don't just skim.
After watching the video all the way through, read the content below carefully.
After being broken up with, some people begin using the No Contact Rule because they search the internet and realize that it's the best thing they can do, both for themselves and to have a good chance of getting their ex to come back.
No contact is also the mature thing to do rather than to try to force your way back into the life of someone who doesn't think that they want you there.
The best thing to do is to respect their decision and give him/her what they think they want.
This is also the best way to get your ex to miss you.
Your ex may take some time before deciding what they really want even if they do miss you.
That's were patience is so important in this process.
During no contact there are things that can harm your chances of getting your ex back.
These mistakes can make no contact ineffective or not as effective as it could be.
Is breaking no contact a mistake?
Breaking no contact when you are trying to stick with it will be frustrating for you.
You will be upset at yourself after you do it.
What's more, it will reassure your ex that you will be standing by if they ever want to get back together.
That's not good because it enables your ex to get over you and move on.
It does this by allowing them to avoid the consequences of an actual breakup.
It also prevents your ex from missing you.
You go into backup-plan-mode in the mind and thoughts of your ex.
He/she assumes that you are still trying to get them back which removes the potential for them to fear that their actions could cause you to move on and be lost forever.
Ask yourself this:
If your ex isn't allowed to miss you because you won't stay away, why would they take action to get you back?
Also, ask yourself:
If you stay in the life of your ex, how can they miss you?
By breaking no contact you remove motivation for your ex to come back to you.
Stay strong in no contact if you love your ex and want them back.
It's difficult, but if it gets your ex back, it's worth it, right?
If you were the one who did the breaking up, this does not apply to you and you need to read this article on getting your ex back after breaking up with them.
If you have been dumped, you must respect the other person's decision even though it hurts so much.
That's the mature thing to do, even though it's difficult.
I speak more on this in the video above (be sure to watch it if you haven't already).
I have to list this because people actually do it.
People will say to their ex, "I'm going to go into no contact now."
That's after they watch a few of my videos and decide to use no contact but don't listen carefully enough to realize that they are supposed to simply do it and not announce it to their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend.
Why announce your strategy?
It gives your ex answers so that they are prevented from becoming curious or concerned about not hearing from you.
Announcing it literally defeats the purpose and makes you seem fake and even ridiculous.
It also makes it sound like you are playing some silly game with your ex when, in fact, no contact is not supposed to be a game.
It's a mature response.
So don't talk about what you are doing with anyone else if at all possible.
Don't even tell your friends.
Because it's a sad thing, but I've seen it happen so many times that someone in your shoes tells a friend that they are going to do no contact or talks to their friend about how difficult the breakup is.
The friend, thinking they are helping, goes to the ex and says, "They are even trying this no contact rule thing on you. See how much they love you and want you back? How about taking them back?"
Your friend thinks that they are helping.
But they are actually hurting your odds terribly.
Again, I only mention this because people have actually done this.
They even have called their ex and said:
"Well, I haven't talked to you in a week. Are you ready to get back together?"
Yes, this has really happened.
It really and truly does not work.
Just like when people ask for space.
I had a coaching client whose girlfriend asked for space.
He called her the next day and asked if she had had enough space.
I had encouraged him to wait until she contacted him since she was the one who asked for space.
He later admitted that he felt that since he knew her better, that he knew better how she would react than I did.
He was wrong and it really blew up in his face.
She was angry and after that she never wanted to get back together.
So don't ask if they've had enough contact, or if they miss you or want you back.
It makes you look bad.
It makes you look manipulative and weak.
Every day you count down the days.
You agonize and fret about what your ex is thinking and feeling at that moment of no contact.
People struggling with this will even ask their friends what they think is going on with the ex and if they think that the ex can be gotten back.
Remember what I said often happens when you tell your friends and why you should not?
It's fine to think about it sometimes, but you must avoid constantly having it on your mind.
I know that's difficult.
Remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can and that what you are doing is the best thing that you could be doing.
Allow yourself a few minutes a day to think about it and then try to leave it alone, knowing that you can think about it (and even worry about it) again the next day for another fifteen minutes.
I've already mentioned it, but it's so important that you don't talk to them that I am mentioning it again.
Remember, your friends, even if you tell them not to, often overestimate their ability to help you.
This is when they go talk to your ex and try to talk them into getting back together with you.
Your ex will assume you put them up to it and your odds of getting your ex back will crumble.
You can talk to parents or counselors but don't bring it up to your friends and if your friends bring it up, try to change the subject.
This restriction and mistake includes all friends, not just mutual friends.
This is when you post on social media about how difficult things are for you right now.
You post memes suggesting you are having a difficult time.
Maybe you mention how difficult it is to deal with betrayal and ask if there are any truly loyal people left in the world.
You've probably seen posts from someone dealing with a breakup who said something like that.
This, again, allows your ex to see you as a backup plan.
They don't fear losing you because they know you are still wanting them back.
Your ex doesn't truly experience the breakup.
Yes, no contact is powerful to get your ex back, but it's also intended for you.
It's for your healing.
It's to help you become stronger.
It's to preserve your dignity and self respect.
Don't just do it to get your ex back.
Do it for you as well because it's just as much for you as it is to get your ex back.
I mention additional mistakes that you must avoid in the video embedded above so be sure to watch it if you haven't already.