Help! My boyfriend (or girlfriend) just dumped me! What do I do or say?

Since you're reading this article, I can tell you that I know the pain you're going through.

I understand the intensity of the sorrow, the hurt, the betrayal, and the panic you feel if your boyfriend or girlfriend has just broken up with you.

I've been there and it hurts very badly to say the least.

You probably go between feeling like the situation is hopeless to feeling that you've got to give it your all to get back together with the one you love.

So, first things first, I want to tell you that it is possible to get back with the one you love.

I'll even say that it is likely since you're here and not trying to go at it on your own!

So take a deep breath. Really do it, I'll wait.

Take comfort in knowing that I've helped many other people who have found themselves in your shoes.

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. And I'm going to help you.

It's likely you didn't take the news calmly.

Maybe you did, but most people don't react well and then watched as their efforts to keep things together didn't work.

Then they go online and try to find advice on getting an ex back after a breakup.

I obviously don't know if you found my website first or some of the others.

There are other pretty good ones out there and then there are some bad ones that suggest gimmicky, manipulative techniques to use after when your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you.

Some of them suggest magic texts to get your ex back in an instant.

You probably already know this even if you want to believe otherwise in your frustration and desperation, but there are no magic texts that will get your ex back.

In fact, it's insulting to you, to your ex, and to the relationship you had and likely will have again that people suggest a cleverly worded text can get your ex back!

Because if your ex can be gotten back that quickly then they could be taken away again as easily as well!

Your Boyfriend's or Girlfriend's Decision To Break Up Didn't Happen Overnight

You see, though you are most likely shocked that you have been broken up with, your ex has probably been considering this for a decent amount of time.

It's highly unlikely, to the point of being nearly impossible, that your ex just woke up and thought, "I'm going to break up with my significant other today."

Unless there was a specific, extreme event - like catching you cheating or something on that level - it's been building for a time and certain small events, actions, lack of actions, and feelings have compiled to the point that they broke inside and finally broke up with you.

It's time for you to take a break and take another deep breath.

This is a positive article that will help you get your ex back after a breakup but I'm committed to being honest with you and laying everything on the table as well.

If I was all "pie in the sky," you couldn't take me seriously, right? Keep reading.

The First Thing You Need To Do If You've Just Been Dumped

Obviously I don't know what you did when the news was broken to you.

Ideally you would show calm and not oppose the breakup beyond telling your ex that you don't want to just be friends (if he or she suggested that), that you wish them the best, and that if they change their mind to reach out to you.

Then you should've gotten off the phone or calmly walked away.

It's likely you didn't do that.

It's likely you did what most people do when they are shocked with such bad news.

You wanted to know why, you tried to talk them out of breaking up with you, you cried, you yelled, and maybe, if the breakup happened days ago, you've been texting, calling, and even showing up to try to talk your ex into getting back together with you.

It won't work and you should stop that right now if you haven't stopped it already.

It is highly unlikely, to the point of being almost a universal law, that your response will make your now-ex change their mind.

But you can either prolong the breakup or make it where you'll never get back together with them if you don't back off and give them space.

You see, your ex (and again, I'm sorry that I have to refer to him/her that way but that's what they are at the moment) is wanting less of you right now.

So giving them more is the exact opposite of what is needed.

Plus, your ex believes that you do not have the ability to make them happy long term.

We'll discuss the process of changing that in a minute but first, consider the following points as to why trying to talk them into staying with you and not leaving them alone is the wrong thing to do.

Why You Should Not Try To Talk Your Ex Into Staying With You

1. It shows that you are selfish. I know that sounds harsh and that you don't feel like you are behaving selfishly, but you actually are. By trying to overwhelm them with your presence when your ex has said that they don't want you anymore, you are telling them that their wishes do not matter to you. Do you think that's a message you should be sending? Absolutely not! No one wants to date a selfish person. Rather than showing acts of affection and love as some do (buying flowers, other gifts, love letters/messages, public demonstrations of love, etc), give them a gift of love that demonstrates deep character, maturity, and even sanity by letting them have what they think they want - which is life without you (see number 4 for more on this). Take a deep breath and continue reading.
2. It makes you look childish. What do children do when they don't get their way? They beg, plead, cry, pester, etc. until their parents buy them the toy. In what other area of life would behaving that way be appropriate for an adult? Sure, you will hurt and should hurt if this relationship was a good one (or great one - or if you thought they were "the one"), but that doesn't justify responding with bad, immature, irrational behavior. It's a form of manipulation that mature adults don't appreciate.
3. It makes them afraid to change their mind. Why? Because if they change their mind and take you back, but then decide that they were right to leave in the first place, now they figure they have to deal with your drama, stalking, whining, crying, pestering, awkwardness, etc. AGAIN! So you are giving them another reason NOT to consider getting back with you. Uh oh!
4. It doesn't give them time to miss you. I can and have written other articles on this point alone, but I'll give you the summary version. If you don't leave your ex alone, they do not have to face their decision to remove you from their life. You don't allow your ex to miss you and want to get back together with you. Why do they not see and experience the consequences of their decision? Because you won't leave them alone to give them that opportunity! The only way to show them that they truly would rather be with you is to allow them to experience NOT being with you. If you believe they are making a mistake and that their life is better with you than without, let them see that for themselves! That's the only way they'll believe it enough to have a change of heart. I know it's difficult, but you have got to back away and give your ex space. And I'm not talking about just for a couple of days.

So what do you do?

As I said in point number 4 above, you graciously back out of your ex's life.

You give them the space to actually miss you and see what life is like without you.

Not only does this show strength, high value as a person, and that you are a mature person, but it also shows that you care enough about them to remove yourself from their life if that is what they believe they want.

Now what this will actually do is score points for you even though you are "allowing" the breakup without a fight.

Sometimes in life it looks like you are losing when you are actually winning and that is how I want you to see this breakup.

By instituting a "no contact" policy, you actually invest in your future with this person.

It might not seem like you are doing anything at all, but you are actually using the most powerful technique in your arsenal.

What this also does is to prevent you from reassuring your ex that the breakup was the right choice.

If you go psycho crybaby on him/her (sorry but that's what it's going to seem like) then you are showing them that they made the right decision by dumping you and they will want to get as far away from you as possible.

But if you handle the breakup with dignity, and you don't do annoying, selfish, or even hurtful things to them then they don't receive justification to backup their decision to dump you.

This opens the door more quickly to them questioning their decision of tossing aside the relationship they had with you.

By not chasing them, you prevent them from moving further away from you emotionally or in terms of attraction. In this way, you will be "judged" by the relationship itself.

That is where, even though no relationship is perfect, time will be on your side.

Because if you handle the breakup with poise, maturity, sanity, and dignity, then as the time away from you allows your ex to reflect on what it was like to be in a relationship with you, they'll almost certainly begin to see many things through the latest view they have of you, which is that you handled the breakup very well and showed maturity, strength, calm, etc.

So some of the bad times that happened during your relationship, and all relationships have them, where your ex thought of you as being the problem or "guilty one," could now be downgraded to the level of "misunderstanding," since they have just watched as you, unlike other people they've dated or have heard stories about, responded to being dumped with poise, stability, and solidity.

Seeds of doubt are planted in their mind about breaking up with you.

If you followed what I recommended above, you've earned respect from your ex because compared to how most people handle breakups, you've set yourself apart.

Which will be something else for them to chew on as they contemplate things during your noted absence - and rest assured, it will be noted.

If you have had a relationship for any decent amount of time, they will notice that you are gone and they will miss you simply because there was something they liked and even loved about you and now it's gone.

You aren't the only one hurting.

Even if you handled being dumped poorly, start over! Back off and give your ex space now. After some time, it's like pushing the reset button.

How Long Should You Do The No Contact Rule?

Your mindset should be “as long as it takes.” Let him/her come to you since they did the leaving.

It might take weeks, months, or even years in some cases and I know that you want to hear that it will be overnight.

While it's certainly possible that your ex could come back overnight, there's just no way to predict it for sure or for me to even guess since I don't know the details of your situation.

But since this person has pulled the trigger on your relationship and ended it, you have to let them come to you in the first month or two.

After that point, reaching out to them might make sense.

And since you left them alone and didn’t pester them with texts or otherwise communicate with your ex, they won’t be tired of hearing from you or annoyed that you are contacting them.

So the odds are that your ex will be happy to hear from you or at least won’t be irritated to hear from you.

They know that you love them.

They know that you didn't want the breakup.

So you going to them to talk right now will not bring anything new to the table and that is why it shouldn't be done in addition to the reasons I state above.

You have to let them come to you and during this time of waiting you allow them to wonder about you, to miss you, to admire your strength, and to doubt their decision of leaving you.

They'll reflect and wish for the good times with you to be back. And over time, the space you give them compounds and helps you get them back.

The odds are actually in your favor when you get out of contact with your ex. And that's all that you can ask for.

My Emergency Breakup Kit expands on this and provides more sophisticated strategies that work to get your ex back. After you access the kit, you'll be surprised at how much someone can learn about getting an ex back after two decades in the relationship-recovery service.

-Coach Lee