This is Coach Lee and in this video, I'm going to answer the question, "Should I keep hope alive that I can get my ex back?"
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So, I'm often asked, "Is there hope to get my ex back?" after I'm asked how to get an ex back.
A lot of times people tend to think their situation is worse than any other out there or worse than most of the others out there.
It's normal to think that because it feels so horrible and unique in terms of how painful it is and the way that you feel about it that it seems like no one else could be going through this or that most people don't go through this.
Usually I do tell people, and I hope this is encouraging to you, that other people go through really bad breakups and get back together.
It does happen and it happens quite often. I get to see it every day.
Every day I receive an email or someone sets up a coaching call to tell me about getting their ex back and what's going on and they want to know how they can keep things good so that they don't get into this situation again - so their ex doesn't leave again or so the relationship is better going forward.
So it happens all the time, that people get back together and really, if you think about it, as long as the two of you are still alive, there's a possibility.
As long as you two are unmarried, there's a possibility.
But even in the short-term, there's still a good chance, a good possibility that you two can get back together.
The longer the better usually and then you have a good chance of your ex missing you and not wanting the breakup.
Because a lot of times, they don't feel the breakup right after it happens.
Most of the time, the vast majority of the time, almost every situation where there is a breakup, the person who does the breaking up, does not feel the true consequences and the loss of the breakup right away.
Usually they live in some sort of la-la land, artificial non-reality where they believe that since they broke up with you, they can get you back any second that they want you.
Because they feel like it was in their control and they dismissed you, they can just snap their fingers and get you back, and so, they don't feel loss.
As I've said in some of my other videos, it would be like if I were at a blackjack table and I was betting thousands of dollars and you told me, "Don't worry about it if you lose anything, I'll just pay you right back and you can keep gambling."
I would feel no nervousness or no risk of loss when I gamble large amounts of money.
That's what they feel because they feel like they have a backup plan.
Your ex likely feels that he or she can just get you back since they were the ones who broke up with you.
That's where you staying away with no contact can help them feel that not only are you just going to always be there to come back to them or for them to come back to you that they will also feel that you're getting away. (This can actually move them into a slight state of limerence for you which is a good thing)
That you could move on because you're showing them you can stay away, because a lot of times, they expect you to chase.
They expect you to reach out to plead and beg to try to get them back. They expect you to fight for them.
And sometimes they even will want that but that doesn't mean you should do it. Because I speak to people who do the dumping who will say, "I wish he just would have fought for me," and yet they are on a call with me trying to get this person back.
So, just because they want something, it doesn't mean that it's best for them or best in terms of getting them back.
Just because they want something, it doesn't mean that giving it to them is the best thing to do if you want to re-attract them.
So, if you're doing the right things, you're giving yourself the best chance of getting your ex back, and it may take a long time.
Time works on people differently and at different speeds.
It accomplishes things at different levels based on what's going on because there's a lot going on in our lives and your ex, especially.
If there's a rebound relationship, sometimes that will extend that.
They might be with the rebound person longer to try to prove to themselves, and to their friends, and maybe to you or their parents or whoever that, it's not a rebound but is the real deal.
They want it to be the real deal and don't want it to be a rebound.
But when they start to realize that it might be a rebound, sometimes they fight even harder to try to make it into something that it's not or to stick with it so that other people will believe that it's a real relationship.
So, sometimes that delays things a lot.
It can also be that your ex is missing you and they're right on the cusp of reaching out to you.
They're right on that edge and they want to feel your presence, but they just can't bring themselves to reach out because they either think that in their life that they are going to be moving soon or that they're focusing on something else or they feel that they're going to be in a situation where they're going to have to deal with a difficult breakup again.
So they could be right there and might take a while before they reach out or before they're receptive enough for you to reach out.
So, there's always the possibility and you just never know what's going on in the mind of your ex.
Especially when they have some time to reflect on the relationship.
It's always encouraging to me and it makes my day when I get an email from a coaching client who tells me that their ex has come back and it's been six, seven, eight months, and sometimes even longer than that.
As a matter of fact, sometimes they will even tell me that they are going to just move on and I'll say "Well, I understand why you want to do that and you should if you can."
But if this person does want to come back, you could choose which one you think you want the most.
And of course I certainly don't want you to start thinking of people as objects or that you’re just trying to swap one for another who is more valuable because that's a lot of times what the person did who broke up with you.
That's why it's so important to be honest with the person that you're dating.
You don't want to lead them on.
If you're not sure if you see a future, if you're not sure that you're as into this and as invested as they are, it's important to communicate those things without being rude and you can do that in some ways if they start to say that they love you.
For example, you can always say, "I really appreciate that. I don't know that I'm there yet, but I'm not saying that I won't be there," and of course a lot of times that creates a lot of awkwardness.
But it's one of those things where I have coaching clients who feel that the other person led them on and went a long time with them not feeling as much as they did and then it was easier for them to breakup with them because they didn't feel those things, and so, you don't want to lead somebody on.
I'm certainly not encouraging that, but what I am saying is you always have the right to keep your options open, and so, if you think there's a another person that you might have something with.
Then by all means if it's been a few months and you're ready to move on and you just don't wanna wait on your ex anymore, go ahead and go out with this person.
Date this person, get to know this person, because you never know what can develop, and then if your ex ever did want to come back, you would have a decision to make.
And if you develop something strong with this new person, then maybe you don't want your ex back, but you just never know, and so, it should be encouraging just to think that there's always the possibility in the future.
If you had a good relationship with this person, that's a powerful thing because most relationships fail.
Most relationships do not lead to marriage or living together or levels of seriousness that you might be thinking you want in a relationship.
So, if your ex does go out there into the world, and does have some other relationships, there's always the possibility that they could remember the times they had with you, and they could want that back, and they could see the value of that because they didn't find it elsewhere, because they didn't find that connection elsewhere.
So, it's always possible and if you're doing the right thing, then not only are you making it more likely that your ex will come back and will miss you, will feel the consequences of the breakup and not like it and want to come back, but it also helps you become stronger.
When you are not going after your ex, at least it doesn't look that way because you are staying in no contact.
You're actually helping to win yourself off of them and that will make you stronger.
Where you can move on if you need to, but it also makes you more attractive because you're not gonna be sitting around the house depressed, pouting, upset, angry, hurt about losing your ex or the breakup.
And so in time, as you get stronger, you become more attractive and sometimes the tables can turn.
As I talk about in some of my other videos, where your ex doesn't feel the loss of the breakup right away, but when they start to see you as being capable of moving on and that they will lose you.
That's when they can start to become more like you felt at the beginning of the breakup, which is they feel the loss and that sometimes they will become depressed and they will be very attracted to your strength and not being that way.
But I do see a large number of people get back together just by using no contact and with my emergency breakup kit, I go into some of the things that you can do during no contact that make it more powerful in fact, it makes it a lot more powerful.
Especially if your ex reaches out to you or if you have social media that’s visible to your ex, and yes, it's way more than just posting pictures of you having a good time, out with friends or how successful you're being.
Those are good things to do, you want to show your ex that you are living life, that you have friends, that you're social because if you're social, that means you could meet someone and you could move on.
That's great and you should without looking like you're bragging or trying to get the attention of your ex.
If good things happen to you, sure post it on social media. But do it sparingly so that it doesn't look like you are making things up or exaggerating.
Those are great things, but I go over some more things you can do in my Emergency Breakup Kit, which I link to in the description below.
And you can find out more information about that there or you can get the kit and it's really a powerful thing beyond no contact that you can do to get your ex back.
But as long as you two are there and as long you don't burn the bridge, by being hateful after the breakup and saying really mean things to them or telling them they never contact you again, and even if you've done that, your odds are still good, especially if you were to send a clean slate message.
If you've had a really bad breakup and you've said horrible things that you regret, sending a clean slate message showing them that you understand that it was inappropriate, that you regret it, and that it wouldn't happen again is actually really powerful even though it sounds simplistic.
It's exceptionally powerful and can restart the process.
You then go into no contact and they think differently of you.
But it has to be done a specific way and if you click here you can read my article about that and see how to do that.
But if you are breathing and your ex is breathing, you two can get back together.
I know that that might sound really simplistic, but it's true and I see it happen all the time and I get to be part of those things, which is a very fulfilling thing.
It's very encouraging, it brings me a lot of joy to see people get back together especially when one person tells me I just think it's hopeless.
And I hear that a lot, and then they are so ecstatic when they get their ex back and a lot of times, I get those emails from people who have used my emergency breakup kit and it's worked well for them and I've never even got to speak to them.
But I get an email and they're telling me how they thought it was hopeless, but they did these things and their ex came back to them and they're meeting up again for the second or third time and things are going really well and they just wanted to thank me.
It is a true blessing to be part of people’s lives and to be helpful like that and if you want to learn more about my Emergency Breakup Kit, please don't hesitate.
Do the right things and know that the numbers are in your favor.
Also, know this, that in time, that feeling of loss will fade and you will be able to look at the relationship itself.
With its flaws and its strengths and that you will be able to make a decision if you want to move on and you will be stronger.
You will get over this one way the other, either your ex comes back or you get on with your life, you become stronger and you end up being somebody else in the future.
I know it's not what you want to think about right now, but I want you to know that I have never worked with a person or met a person who did not eventually get over their ex, and usually, it doesn't take nearly as long as you think.
People think it might take years. A lot of times it doesn't. It just takes a few months, and even though you still might miss this person, you're not in the depths of sorrow that you are now.
It will get better one way or the other. But if you're doing the right things, your odds are very good that you will get your ex back, and so, I hope that brings you some encouragement.
Gain from my two decades in the relationship-recovery service with my Emergency Breakup Kit. It is a powerful system that guides you to getting your ex back!