Sometimes I’m asked if no contact is a game.
That is, is using the no contact rule after being dumped a form of manipulation in an attempt to get an ex back?
It is not.
We have become so used to pick-up lines, dealing with narscisists, and feeling like people are toying with us that when I’m coaching a client to get their ex back, they assume that what I suggest is along those lines.
Again, it is not.
It might surprise you to learn that using the no contact rule is not a game and that it’s actually what emotionally healthy people do after a breakup.
That’s one of the reasons it is effective to get an ex back - because your ex recognizes emotional health as emotional strength.
It’s not JUST that no contact is not a game, it’s that it is used naturally by mature people who understand and relate to healthy relationships.
It might seem odd that I refer to healthy relationships when discussing a breakup response.
After all, the relationship has been severed, at least for the moment.
But even then, you have a type of relationship with your ex and the potential exists for a romantic one again in the future - if you respond in an emotionally healthy way.
That doesn’t mean you have to like no contact. Who does?
A mature and wise person realizes that often in life we do the right thing, be it morally, strategically, or both, not because it feels good, but because it is simply the right thing to do.
What if someone you loved became upset, went to a room in your home, and closed the door?
Which response is the mature, "relationally" healthy response?
1. To follow them and bang on the door until they open it?
2. To be patient until they are ready to come out and talk?
In that example, it’s easy to see how no contact is not a game but is an appropriate response.
It’s also the loving response to give someone the space and time they need until they are ready to talk or to be around you.
I didn’t say to wait until YOU are ready to talk, but until YOUR EX is ready to talk.
The REAL manipulative game is the response that tries to force the other person to communicate and interact before they are ready.
So many people respond to a breakup with the emotional equivalent to running after the other person and pounding on the door until they answer.
In that case, in what mindset do you think the person answers the door?
Is he or she ready to talk?
Is he or she feeling love or attraction toward you because you refused to give them space?
Was the pounding on the door and insisting they open it an endearing response or an annoying turnoff?
The answers to those questions are actually quite obvious aren’t they?
No contact is not a game or manipulation.
It is the mature response to a breakup and the way to get an ex back in very many cases.
What is manipulation is trying to force yourself into someone’s life when they have asked you to back away.
The pattern of what works is clear and that is what I'm sharing with you to help you get your ex back.
This is based on real-world results and not just theory.