This is Coach Lee and I'm going to show you how you can stick with no contact and this is for people who have been broken up with and they want to see if they can get their ex back. They want to see if this can be worked out.
If you did the dumping, your job in most situations is simple. You reach out, you apologize, and you ask them if they will take you back. The best way to do that is to ask them if they'll meet you face to face for coffee or lunch or something like that and mention it then.
So, I'm talking to the person who's been broken up with.
I'm going to share with you a few pitfalls that could cause you to break no contact.
It could make you just feel like you have to. And I don't want that to happen to you, because you definitely lower your chances of getting your ex back if you do that.
I'm going to tell you why and I'm going to tell you the pitfalls. I'm going to give you some encouragement to stick with no contact, if you want to get your ex back but also because it's best for you to do no matter what happens.
The first and most common reason that I hear where people break no contact is they doubt that it will work. And I want to tell you that it works a lot. It doesn't work 100% of the time. Nothing ever does and sometimes people in the comments will say it didn't work, he's not coming back. Or someone will say, "They never come back."
Maybe one situation, maybe that situation. There are millions of potential situations and couples and relationships out there that are trying to get back together or at least one person is and the situations are complex. There's other details but just because you hear it not work in this situation or that one. It doesn't mean it won't work in yours and it does not mean that it's still not the best thing for you to do.
I firmly believe, after looking at years and years of data and doing this for so long at this point, that no contact gives you the best chance. It's not 100%, but it gives you a much better chance than you reaching out and pressuring them and begging them and staying in their life when they don't want you there.
Those things they are illusions. They really only hurt you but it feels like you're doing something. It feels like you are making progress or rattling the cage to try to get the animal to move around, it's actually just going to hurt you and make you look less attractive to your ex.
One way to think about it is like this - when your ex broke up with you, they had you. They had your presence, they had your words, they knew you cared, and now, if you give them more of that, what does it change? It doesn't change anything.
So, we actually are doing no contact because we are giving them the breakup and letting them see if it's what they really want. If you don't give them that, then they just see it as something you are preventing them from having. And you don't want to be in that position, because then, it just glamorizes the idea of them being away from you and being able to be with someone else or be single for a little while and play around and look around.
You don't want to make the opposite of being with you look more attractive. That's what you do when you basically stand in their way of the breakup. Because once someone wants to break up with you, you can't just talk them into staying with you.
If that works, it's very temporary. It's usually a day or two and then the person usually resents you much more and that's when you get blocked. And you get blocked because they just don't want to deal with you anymore. So, they will just make it to where you can't contact them. And even then, your best bet is still just not to fight it, not to try to find another way to talk to them, but, instead, to just let no contact, stay as it is, let yourself stay blocked. A lot of times you'll see they'll unblock you because there are ways to get to them and they know that so they see that you can stay away.
So, if you're not reaching out, pressuring, and talking, then basically in time the smoke clears and they can start to peel back that layer a little bit with the places where they blocked you. So, keep that in mind.
Using no contact also shows strength. It shows them that you can stay away, which makes it believable that you could move on. And it's the only thing that will make it believable, because at the moment, as is true with almost all dumpers, 99%, think they could get you back whenever they wanted to.
They see you as beneath them to some degree on the scale of attraction and they assume that you'll be waiting for them. And if they ever do decide to come back, you're like an insurance policy in case they realize they made a mistake - and you don't want to be that.
The more that you contact them, check on them, pester, pressure, beg, plead, stay in their life, the more you show them that that's actually true. They could just get you back. It might feel to them that it could just take a snap of their fingers and they could get you back, and so there is no pressure on them to come back to you. They don't feel like there's any sense of urgency. Why decide now? Why not just date around? He/she is waiting on me, so, I can just do whatever I want to do and this person will be there if I ever choose I want them back.
That certainly doesn't make you look attractive. It's not what you want your ex thinking. It is what they're thinking when they break up with you and shortly after. Especially during that relief stage that I talk about. And if you'd like to learn more about the stages your ex goes through during no contact. I have a video on that coincidentally called stages your ex goes through during no contact.
I'll link to that in the description below and you can take a look at it. But just know that no contact, whereas, it's not a guarantee, it is your best bet. Because giving them more of the same is not going to work when they have already shown you that they don't appreciate or want what you've been giving them.
But when you stay away and they actually can feel that they could lose you, then they have to take an honest assessment of how they really feel about this -which is something they haven't had to do if you've been begging and pleading and pestering them. Because they knew they could get you back.
All the power was with them to decide if the relationship continued or not. It wasn't about you and them deciding together. Your ex was the one who would decide. They would just say yes or no, because you don't have any control. But when you show that you could be lost and that you could move on, you take back a lot of that control.
And they actually have to look at the differently and consider everything, because now it could be taken away from them. So, keep that in mind if you were doubting that no contact works.
Before I get to number two, take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be notified when I have more videos and content like this and be sure to hit that notification bell so you'll be notified the second I post a new video.
The SECOND REASON I see where people can't stick to the no contact rule is that they miss their ex and just want to reach out to feel their presence, to feel that contact and communication with them and they're missing intimacy. Because you're used to hearing the day to day of your ex.
You're used to hearing about how it was at work, how it was at school, what's going on with pets, friends, family, and now you're not getting that. So, you're missing them and you're missing the intimacy you shared with them because you're in the dark now. So, when you compile this onto the fear that you're losing them forever or that you already have and now you're missing them, it can make you just give in and contact them.
But what you're actually doing is setting yourself back even further and you're giving away your potential future for the present and temporary satisfaction, and you're probably not even going to get that!
So many people will tell me that they regret so much that they reached out. Because either the ex said leave me alone or they didn't respond at all or it ended up being where when you heard their voice, when the person who's been dumped heard this other person's voice, that they started getting emotional and started begging. “Come back please, we can do this”.
And then it resulted in basically a fight where they felt they had to defend themselves against the other person's desire to get back together. And you don't want them to feel like they have to defend themselves against you. Because then it seems like you two are on opposing sides and that's not a good thing.
Listen, I understand that you miss your ex. That's perfectly normal and natural and it takes a lot of strength and courage to be committed to staying in no contact. But you have to decide and bet on yourself that if you give them the breakup, you will come out victorious one way or the other.
They will see that your presence mattered. They will actually see that they don't want to be without you and they miss the relationship or they won't. But you're not going to fix what they broke. It's not your place. And if you have to do that, if you have to chase them down, that's the life you're going to have in the future.
Usually it doesn't work and just makes matters much worse. I'm talking 10% or less of cases will you pursuing get them back and that's usually just to get you to be quiet. It's usually just to get you to shut up about it, so they can think and plan another escape. And then you feel like, "Well, I've got to go chase them again" and it becomes this horribly stressful, traumatic, and emotional experience for you and it makes things even worse.
It also shows them that no matter they do, you will come after them. You will chase them. They won't be able to get too far away from you and often times they'll feel trapped. But it also makes them feel like there's no risk in breaking up with you that they can just get mad at you, dump you, and they'll come after you.
You don't want any part of that.
Trust me, listen to me. Hear me on this and just be willing to take the stand that you will not force your way into the life of a person who does not want you there. You will let them have a life without you if that's what they think they want and you will give them a chance to come to their senses.
I understand it takes a lot to get to that point. In some ways you have to be a bull in a china shop. You have to be willing to lay it out there and risk that you, at least, will not be doing anything to get them back in terms of what it looks like. Your pursuit of this person is over until they come back to you and that's how you have to view it.
Sometimes to get what you want takes extreme measures and this may feel like an extreme measure. It may even feel like a game, but it's not. It's a mature response when someone does not want you in their life. Because what do we call people who try to force their way into a house or try to make you do something you don't want to do? We certainly don't call them lovers. We want to get away from them. We call them dictators and tyrants.
So, be careful that you don't come across as the one who is the dictator and saying, "I don't care what you want, this is what I want" because that's not attractive either.
Show your ex that you will not chase them down if they leave. And they won't have incentive to leave later on to try to make a point to you or just thinking that they can have free license to go see what it's like. Let your ex experience the consequences and sometimes that means that you will experience some consequences too. In this case, it's missing them and you have to just reason with yourself and stay committed.
The THIRD WAY I see people break no contact and feel like they just can't stick with it is they become impatient and they try to force things.
So basically it's like, it's taken 3 weeks, it's taken 5 weeks, and my ex hasn't come back yet so I'm going to contact them and I'm going to just talk to them.
It's abandoning the whole idea of no contact because it's not working quickly enough for you.
I get it that it's frustrating and that you're wanting this person back and it feels like losing them more each day and so eventually you just say "to heck with it, I'm going to reach out because apparently it's not working."
But as I've said in so many other videos it's like baking a cake. Time is actually part of the equation. Your ex needs to look down at their phone and see it's been 5 weeks, it's been 10 weeks, since they've heard from you. They need to actually have that moment where they have to do the math.
So, you want that math moment with your ex where they say it's been 60 days, it's been 2 months. What do they do? Why are they not chasing me down? Don't they think I'm just like super sexy and that they can't live without me?
You want to talk about a shot to the ego? And trust me, the person who broke up with you has got an inflated ego in that moment because they are dismissing you. They are basically pushing you down on the pole of attraction saying, "I think I can do better." And they're moving forward having discarded you, and so you don't want to blow up the balloon of their ego by reaching out.
Let them have to deal with the details of looking back over their texts. You know, how we all scroll down - and they see your name and how long it's been since they've heard from you. Let them sit with that.
And when you're missing them, you're just trying to get another day on that tally. Remind yourself of that.
Just one more day. That's what you tell yourself. "I miss them, but just one more day." And the next day, tell yourself "One more day." So, you're kind of tricking yourself, but sometimes you have to do that kind of thing to get through. Because as I've already mentioned, it gives you the best chance to get them back and you can do it!
Alright, right before I get to number four, take a second and get information on my Emergency Breakup Kit.
So, the FOURTH THING I see is that people fall for their own excuses.
I mean that if your ex was to leave something at your house and it's been there for a few weeks and you're like, "Oh, I'll take that to them. I'll text them to see if they want that back." Don't fall for that.
If it's not worth a whole lot or even if it is, let them contact you about it if they want it back. They're the ones who left. They have to actually figure out the details of that themselves. It's not your responsibility.
So, if you want to put it in a box, put it in the closet, or if you just can't stand seeing it and can't stand the loose ends of it, put it in a box and ship it to them. Just get it over with. But don't talk to them about it.
Don't send a text and say, "Hey, I'm shipping your things."
They'll know it when it arrives on their front porch!
Don't fall for birthday wish to your ex thing either. I have an entire video on that and it is helpful to watch because I explain it out in significant detail. But basically, they don't get the privileges associated with being yours anymore and so that means you don't wish them happy birthday.
You don't congratulate them on a promotion or graduating or getting the lead in the local community play. You don't look for little excuses to reach out because...I know what you're doing.
On a coaching call, somebody will be like, well, I just thought I'd reach out to them for this, because of this reason. I know what the real reason is. I understand it and I've been in your shoes. It just feels like it would feel so good to reach out to them and here's something where you can justify it.
So, I'm just going to do this one time for this really good reason and that won't really hurt no contact, and then I'll just get right back into no contact and it'll be fine. No. You want your ex to only hear the dark side of the moon when it comes to you! You want them to wonder if you have dropped off the face of the earth!
Any contact at all interrupts that curiosity and it gives them some reassurance that you're still there. Because usually your ex is going to assume that you reaching out means you just can't handle it anymore.
They're going to see whatever it is as an excuse. Because again, this person at the moment feels like they're way above you. So, it's a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like, "I knew he couldn't stay away."
"I knew she couldn't stay away from me."
Even if that wasn't the case which we know it is, but let's just assume it's not. Your ex will assume that and all that does is push you down further on the totem pole of attraction or it puts you back where they thought you were. Because maybe you have been able to rise up a little bit while you've been doing no contact. Well, now you reach out to them and it's like "Oh okay that's where I thought they were."
That's how your ex thinks. Trust me on that. So, don't fall for that. Don't fall for your own excuses. Let your head lead, not your heart.
Your heart's great and your head's great but sometimes, you need to let your head make the decisions. Because your heart will sometimes get caught up in the moment and will sell out your future for a very temporary present.
The last thing I'm going to mention (and hopefully you've hit that subscribe button to my channel) is don't follow your ex's bread crumbs.
So, let's say that they like a post you made on social media, let's say they asked a friend about you. That's not reason to contact them.
I know that a lot of you will think that it is and a lot of times, it's because you are looking for any excuse to reach out. But it needs to be equal merit. What I mean by that is, there needs to be a direct message to you before you direct message them back. They need to do it first and it needs to be an actual and real message - not just a like on a post.
Do you really thing that the following will be effective?
"Hey, I saw you liked my post and thought maybe you wanted to talk."
Do you know how bad that will make you look? It seems obvious to me but I've been doing this for a long time and I've seen so many situations.
So, I get that it might not look that obvious to you and you're hurting and you're like, "Oh, here's an opportunity to reach out and I don't want them to think that I didn't notice."
Let them think you didn't notice! Let them think that your life is so wonderful that you weren't paying attention to who liked your post on Facebook!
Don't let them think that you were just waiting, hoping for some little crumb from their table. All that does is show them that they have got you on the hook still because they are just so sexy and desirable and all you can do is think about them and you are sensitive to any movement they make. Don't fall for that!
They don't deserve it right now. So, you stick with the plan. Trust the process. I wouldn't lead you wrong. This is the best chance you have. It's not 100%, but giving them the breakup is the best chance you have.
It's the way to respond to a breakup with dignity, with confidence, and with strength. I have seen it work so many thousands of times that I have lost count.
You are strong enough to do this, you are stubborn enough to do this, and you are going to defy their expectations. Show them who they're messing with and come out stronger than before.
They are powerful resources to give you a strong chance of getting your ex back after a breakup or to reunite with your spouse after a separation.