This is Coach Lee and I'm going to talk to you about how to save a relationship. This can be a marriage relationship or a dating relationship.
So, if you are separated, you're married or your spouse has told you they want to separate or they want to divorce or if you have been broken up with and now this person you love is called your ex, I’m going to share with you 3 steps to save the relationship.
The first one may sound simple but it's difficult according to what most people tell me and that is don't pressure.
What I mean by that is that you should not be begging, pleading, wanting to keep talking to them about it, or being emotional around them about the relationship. Those things are natural, normal, and not a problem if it happens when they tell you that they don't want the relationship anymore.
That's fine because the other person needs to know that you want the relationship and there needs to be some pushback, but there is certainly a wall, a limit, and a point when it will lower your odds of being able to get back together with this person.
So, it's important that after you have stated that you don't want a breakup or a separation or divorce that you back off to some degree because they need to know that you don't want it. They need to know that what you do want is the relationship. They need to know that you don't want the relationship to end but if you reach a point where you are bugging them about it, where you're trying to force and pressure them to stay or to come back, that's when it will almost certainly push them away. It will be repulsive, and you can probably put yourself in a similar situation. If you are unsure about something or if you think that you want one thing and someone tries to force you to take another thing or they put pressure on you or they take away your options, it makes you question going the route they want you to go.
It makes you resent the idea that someone else could put their wants and desires above yours. What will happen is that this other person usually will not want to be around you because they won't want to hear what they see as complaining or pestering or you putting your desires and wants above theirs.
They just won't want to hear it, they won't want to have to deal with it or be in that situation. So they won't want to be around you anymore and they will find ways to avoid you.
If your situation is a marriage relationship where you have children or you have a business together or a home or something like that and you're needing to interact with them, you will find they will only want to interact with you when it comes to those things, and you will have very little meaningful conversation with them that could actually help you.
If, however, you try to force or pressure them to stay or come back to the relationship by continually telling them you want the relationship, you ask if they feel any different, you promise change, you beg, cry, plead, ask them to come back - those are the things that will push them away.
So, if you're going to be able to get this person back, if you're going to be able to save your relationship, the starting point is that you don't pressure them. Instead, you give them what they think they want which, now, is space. It is not the relationship right now.
You're going to back off and let them test it out and, in some ways, let them feel what it's like to have some of that space and that time where they are away from you.
I’m going to tell you more on how that can be valuable but for the moment that is your only option because going the other route will make them angry, it will make them lash out at you, not want to be around you, and it will make them run in the other direction even faster.
Before I get to step number 2, take a quick second and subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be notified when I have more content and videos like this.
What I mean by that is that sometimes the issues that your straying lover stated at the breakup can just be excuses with little connection to reality. It can just be what they think will make you leave them alone, that will keep you from getting too emotional, and that will give you just enough hope that they can get away from you and slowly, over time, they hope you will figure it out.
This way they don't have to deal with it in that moment.
They kind of want both worlds in that they want to be able to break up with you, but they want you to just kind of make it easy on them.
So, they don't fully tell you everything. Sometimes they'll tell you a reason and it’s often something vague like “I need to work on myself,” or “you deserve better” or “I can't be the person you need right now” or they say they have to work more or go to college in some far-off land where they know more things - something like that.
A rule of thumb is, if it's an excuse where you think to yourself that if that were you, you would figure a way out to be with them and to do whatever you needed to do to be with them, that's when you know it's not the real reason for them wanting to leave you.
The real reason is that they have lost attraction for you and that's true if it's a dating relationship or it's a marriage relationship.
When attraction falls - and that can be over time where there have been angry outbursts, fights, the other person has felt neglected or hurt or rejected too often or they feel that you expect worship from them but don’t return something like that (that the relationship is one sided).
People only put up with those kinds of things for so long and then the negatives of leaving you seem minor or nonexistent.
Those things can cause attraction to fall. Anything that makes the other person not want to be with you is attraction falling. Attraction is being pulled toward the other person and so whatever makes you want to leave is a simple case of attraction falling.
Sometimes when they break up or leave you, they will tell you some honest information and they'll tell you that certain these things have made them feel less for you over time.
That can be important so don't just totally ignore what they say but oftentimes what they will tell you - especially if it's something vague or where you feel that if you were in their shoes you would find a way - then you know it's just an excuse so that you will give them an easy breakup and they can walk away without going through the awkwardness of seeing you hurt.
That's how they feel and see it. I'm just telling you how it could be, I’m not saying it's right.
But that's most likely what's going on. If you can identify some issues such as a problem in the relationship - maybe something you did that really hurt them or you rejected them a lot or was too needy and over time, it eroded attraction.
Sometimes you can figure some of those things out, especially if they are honest with you and you know something has been a problem for a while.
That's where if you can identify it then you can and should tell them that you’re aware of those issues and that you will change but that you love them and want the relationship. You can ask them to please reconsider and to work on this with you.
It's very important that you state that you will change so that you don't just identify the problems, but you state clearly “This was wrong of me. This is something I want to change and that I will change.”
Then you ask, “Will you stay with me?”
Whether or not that person agrees to stay, your job is to change mostly because you want to improve for yourself. For them and yourself if they come back but no matter what, it’s for you as well.
Usually these are areas that you can improve whether you're with this person or not and so it's not just that you've changed to somehow be worthy of them - that's not what I’m saying.
You change for you. It's very important but that's what you need to present to them so that even if they do walk away, at that time they still know that you are aware of what's going on, what the issues are, what the problems are, and that you are at least saying that you will change.
So, they at least can give you the benefit of the doubt at some point in the future - that you will work on these things and change these things. So later on, when you have done the next thing I’m going to tell you, they can actually start considering whether or not they want to come back to you. They can start doubting the decision to leave and that's when those words of yours can pay dividends, because they can remember them and think about them and think that maybe you will change and it's worth giving it another try.
Before I get to step 3, take a look at my Emergency Breakup Kit and my Emergency Marriage Kit. Obviously whichever category you fall into. They are powerful guides to help you get back together with the one you love.
So you have:
-identified the issues
-you've told them that you will change
-you’ve asked them to reconsider
After you did this, they still want to leave. So now is the time that you need to do your best to not pressure as I talked about in step one.
And you should start working on changing. This way, you will start contributing to a way you can save your relationship and get back together with this person if you get the opportunity.
The no contact rule is simple in that you just do not contact them. That means that you don't look for excuses to contact them, you don't try to bump into them, you don't pass messages to them, and you don't watch their Instagram stories.
You simply disappear.
Strategic contact is where you only interact with them when you need to but you're friendly, you're polite, and if they want to keep talking or they suggest having coffee or the meeting with them runs a little bit long because you two are having a good time together, that's okay.
Be smart about it and remember the other rules. You're not going to pressure, you're not going to ask them if their feelings have changed because they will tell you if they have, and you're not going to become emotional and cry and beg and plead if possible - though sometimes you might fall off the bandwagon.
People mess up. We are all human beings and the best thing you can do at that point is to start over and commit to yourself that you won't do it again.
Do better and stay away if you were dating this person (that's the no contact rule simplified).
If you are connected to them in other ways - like marriage - then the strategic contact rule where you are careful about how you interact with them is how no contact can work for marriage. In the case of marriage, no contact is almost exclusively about the kids or business matters and only when truly necessary. Don't use those things or those people as an excuse.
Should I Stay In Touch With My Children In Strategic Contact?
Yes! Keep the relationship with your children going as strong as possible. Contact them directly if possible. Do not set up a situation where it becomes normal that you are out of their lives or that could hurt you legally if things don't go well, but it's very important you stay involved with your children for their sake and for yours. It also shows the other person that you are a good parent to the children.
My encouragement to contact the children does not apply if they are not your children with this person. If they are just their children and you only met them through the relationship, then you need to stay away as far as no contact with them because it can get a little creepy talking to someone else's children, and being involved and around them.
If you two are broken up and you only met the children through this person, I know sometimes there are hurt feelings but when this person who is the parent of these children has chosen to back out of your life and doesn't want you in their life anymore, then in many ways it means the children too because they are the parent of those children and they call the shots and make the choices when it comes to those children.
So, keep that in mind but no contact and strategic contact are giving them what they think they want so that they can actually experience it.
If you don't let them experience it, then it will be something they feel like you are keeping them from. It will be on the other side of you and they will be trying to get to it. They'll be running the other direction, they'll be feeling like they are missing out, and they will resent you for it.
So when you give the breakup/separation to them, first of all, it keeps them from going any further away because they don't feel the need to run away from you. You're not chasing them, so when they look back and you're not there, there's nothing to run from. So typically, they don't get as far away emotionally from you and then it gives them an opportunity to wonder about you and what's going on with you.
It's something I call substitute recall which is where they are used to having intimacy with you - that's hearing about your daily life, talking to you about current events and about their life - and they're not getting that anymore so their brain and their emotions, to deal with that, will create images of you in their mind. They will think about you and they will remember times that you two were together and experiences that you two had and that's a good thing, but what it does is actually makes them want to have a real life experience with you.
Whether or not they fully follow through with that, we hope they will and we will see, but it at least pulls them in your direction and allows them to get to the point where they can miss you and I have a video called stages your ex goes through during no contact where I talk about how this works on them and how they get into a point where they are concerned that they could lose you.
The reason for this is that before they made the decision, they were in control. You were the one who didn't have control and that's why you felt like you had to beg. People who don't have any control can only beg. But once they start to feel like maybe you are the one who's moving away from them because they haven't heard from you, they realize that this is serious in that they could be in a situation where they could want to get back together with you but could not get you back.
That is not what they were thinking when they broke up with you or told you they want a separation or divorce. At that point, they kind of assumed that because they are the one making that decision or wanting that that they could get you back if they wanted you - that you would just permanently be available for them and they could go do whatever they want and if they ever changed their mind, they could get you back.
But when you make no attempt beyond immediately following the breakup when you state that you will change and that you want the relationship - when you make no attempt after that - and you simply leave them alone and they don't hear anything from you, it changes their mind on that.
They begin to think you could move on and you are showing that you can stay away (which is strength and it's attractive) and it allows them to see that they could actually want you back and not be able to get you back which actually makes them experience a real breakup. It's not a real breakup or a real separation if they think they could get you back with simply a snap of their fingers.
It's important that they feel that because that's the only way they could feel potential loss which is different from building control. So when they feel the loss, that's when they really know and that's when they can say “no I don't want this breakup, I don't want the separation, I don't want this divorce.”
I see relationships saved all the time. My inbox is hit daily with people telling me that they were able to get back with the person that they love by following these steps.
They're not that difficult to just talk about or to write down but application is what is difficult and so I have other videos that provide encouragement on these things and I encourage you to watch them.
You can also get information about my Emergency Breakup Kit and my Emergency Marriage Kit which will go into more detail and more situational details and will provide you day-to-day encouragement on how to handle this.
I hope that you can save the relationship with the one you love.