How To Get Into Your Ex's Head

This is Coach Lee and I'm going to share with you five ways to get into your ex's head.

If you've seen many of my videos, this first way might be something you've already heard, but listen through it, get some repetition and then the others will probably be new or at least a different twist.

  1. Get Into Your Ex's Head By Giving Them The Breakup

The first thing to do to get into your ex's head is to give them the breakup because when they break up, they are on a high horse of attraction where they feel more attractive than you.

They don't want to hurt you, but they do feel like they're better off without you. And that you are less attractive.

Of course, the very definition of attraction means that there's a pull between the two. They don't feel pulled to you as much right now.

So they assume that they are more attractive than you.

Now it's not some sort of thing that they feel where they don't care about you or they see themselves as way above you and they're arrogant and you don't deserve to live or something like that.

But it is a feeling where they feel like they are more attractive than you.

And that's why they're breaking up with you. That's why they are dismissing you.

And so they expect you to really chase, to fight, to beg, to plead, to do all these things, because that's what someone who is not as attractive usually does.

When someone is overwhelmed with this other person's sexiness and good looks and emotional intelligence and all these things that we're attracted to, if this other person is chasing after it, that's to be expected, that's normal.

And so that's basically what they expect. It may take them a few days to kind of start to think about what they expected, because sometimes people are surprised at how someone who's being broken up with will become emotional because they weren't expecting it. That's probably because they didn't think too much about your reaction before they broke up with you.

And they just think they've got to get it over with and they're hoping things will go smoothly.

But what you want is for them to be curious. To get a few days of reflection. Sometimes it takes that because they're really focused on just getting the breakup over with because it's a difficult, awkward thing. They don't want to hurt you.

They just kind of want to be able to move on and feel like that you're not hurt. But then, the more they think about it, maybe they kind of want you to be hurt a little bit because it makes them feel like they are just super duper, lust-worthy and attractive. And that hurts you since you've lost them.

Now that doesn't mean they want you to hurt. But they do kind of get an ego stroke if you are.

And so if you actually give them the breakup and you don't try to talk them out of it or fight them, it really gets into their head and throws a monkey wrench into the operations in their mind, because they assume since they broke up with you, that they are more attractive.

And so you "should" be chasing, you should be acting like someone in the place of being less attractive and less desirable.

You might have begged and pleaded, and I understand, so what you can do is you can start now. Give them the breakup from this moment forward.

Now I don't suggest you reach out and say, "I'm giving you the breakup."

Talk is cheap but actions are not. Show them instead. So just stop. Stop the pursuit, stop the chasing, and give them the breakup. So that's number one on how you can get on your ex's head.

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2. Control the Momentum

The second way that I'm going to share for you to get in your ex's head is to control the momentum. And what I mean by that is, is that when your ex starts to run away, which is what they're doing, when they break up with you, they are running in the other direction.

If you chase them, what happens is that they have motivation to run faster and to run further because you are still there chasing.

You need to allow them to get far enough away that they turn around and you're not there.

So they stop running away because what happens is that if you keep chasing, you look obsessed, you look maybe even mentally unstable. And so they keep trying to get further away.

"I've been trying for weeks. They won't let me go." It will even seem selfish because it's like, they're saying, "I want this. But you don't. And so you think that you should just get what you want and I shouldn't get what I want."

That's what they kind of think and feel in the situation. And so you've got to let the momentum go until it stops.

It's like a ball and it just rolls its energy out.

But if you keep chasing that ball, it'll keep rolling further and further away. So cut your losses right now. Stop chasing now.

But it also applies in the other direction.

When your ex starts making moves back to you, you actually want it to work in the other direction.

So when it's the other way, you don't want to stop their momentum.

What I mean by that is, when they reach out, if they start asking, "Do you want me back? Do you miss me?" You can't just say, "No, I don't miss you," because they probably won't believe that. It'll seem ridiculous.

You'll seem like a jerk. They won't think that you're being genuine in this.

They'll think you're trying to game them. And that can actually be very unattractive because it makes it look like you really want them back or that you're just trying to play little games and they might think, "I don't have time for this."

I've seen it fail a lot. So don't be a liar. And don't say things that are over the top. But if they start moving towards you, let them keep coming.

So for example, if they reach out to you and they say, "You know, I miss you and I'm kind of reconsidering the breakup. What do you think?"

See, that's bait on a hook.

They want to re-hook you so that their ego feels nice and taken care of. They want you to basically say, "You are so attractive. Of course you could still get me back! Of course, none of my feelings for you have changed. I still want you back."

You probably feel that. And you probably want to say that to them.

ALSO SEE: Rules of No Contact

And I'm not saying you lie, but what I am saying is that you treat it like you would, if you were on a diet or if you are responding to someone who has emotionally abused you.

You may care very much for them, but your actions and your statements should be guarded and reserved.

So for example, with a diet, people joke about me talking about how I like Snickers bars in some of my videos.

I really like Snickers, but I don't eat many of them at all. As a matter of fact, I can't remember when I've had one because I'm trying to stay low with my carbs.

I could say, well, I want it and so if I'm being genuine, I would eat a Snickers bar. It's not true.

I'm showing discipline because just because you want something and it feels good in that moment, doesn't mean that's the moment for it. And so you will get an opportunity to say this, but it's not time yet because it will mess things up.

So when you get that first reach out where they're asking if you miss them, if you want to get back together, here is how you handle that.

If they ask if you miss them, you will probably have to say something like, "It can be tough sometimes," or, "Yeah, I've been wondering what you're up to" - something kind of casual, but I have had people get coaching calls with me or coaches on my staff and they've said that when their ex has said this, that they say things like "I miss you terribly every day, I'm an agony."

And you may feel that, but you can't tell them that because it reassures them, it stops their momentum.

You basically just hold your hands up and you stop them like a brick wall because you've given them everything they wanted. There's nothing for them to do, except say, "Let's get back together."

Sometimes it happens but usually that's when relationships fade back out is because you stop their momentum too soon. You want to allow it to keep moving.

So for example, you want to show reserve.

If they were to say that they want to get back together, you could say, "Well, I'm open to that, but I just want to take it one day at a time."

And they may even respond with anger because they want to feel like that they didn't mess it up with you.

You cannot give them all of that. It's an art of subtleties. You give them a little enough to keep them moving forward. Like a carrot on a stick. If there's no carrot on the stick, they won't keep moving, but if you just give them the carrot, they won't keep moving either.

So you need to keep backing up with the carrot. So you are showing that you're not really sure about them because you value yourself just like you value them, or at least you did value them, but their value has fallen in your eyes to some degree. And you're not sure about them because it was actually something that turned you off.

It was unattractive of them to break up with you. You see, if we go back to what I was talking about before to that totem pole of attraction, where they felt more attractive, you are simply putting them back in their place, which is not beneath you in terms of talking about attraction, but it's in front of you as equals, who are equally attracted to each other, but they have a ways to go yet.

And that's why you show reserve. And you say things like "I'm willing, I'm open to the idea, but I want to take it one day at a time."

And even if they get upset, just say "I understand, but you have to understand where I'm coming from and I'm wanting to just take this one day at a time. I'm not wanting to do anything quickly right now."

They won't like it. They may say "that's fine" and everything, but they wished you would just help them out here and show them that they didn't lose.

They want you to show them that it would be easy for them to get you back. So be a master of momentum to get in your ex's head.

Before I get to the third way of how to get in your ex's head, get some more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit. It's the culmination of my 20 years in the relationship coaching service. It can guide you to get your ex back.

So take a look at information in that link.

3. Don't Show Anger

So the third way that you can get in your ex's head is to not show anger.

Now stay with me. This is more complex than you think, but if you're angry, first of all, anger shows incredible pain.

Anger is almost always the hard scab on top of soft, vulnerable pain. And people instinctively know that and know that they have gotten to you if you show anger.

And even though you might be angry at the moment, you're showing discipline.

I have to be disciplined when I see that Snickers bar and I say, "No, not going to do it." Do I want the Snickers bar? Sure. That doesn't change the fact that I don't pick it up and I don't eat it. I don't buy it.

That does not mean I don't like the way that it tastes. I do, but I'm showing discipline because it's not good for me.

And in the moment, you showing anger and showing all the emotions you felt from this breakup is not good for you. And it's not good for this relationship that you're hoping to get back.

So it would be best if you would actually act like that. Behave like the breakup didn't really affect you that much, that it didn't hurt.

It didn't make you angry.

Now that's more of a projection and it's okay. You're not being dishonest, but you are showing discipline because you cannot just show this to them right now. They don't deserve to see it. They're not intimate in your life anymore. They don't deserve the details of your emotions.

And so don't show them. And the reason also that you don't want to be angry is that you live a great life and people who live a great life, who are attractive - they don't need to show anger. They're not angry. They're having a good time. They've got relationships and friendships and things going in their life.

And so they don't have to be angry. And so if you show your ex you're not angry, it shows incredible emotional strength. Plus your ex didn't do this because they're a bad person. Now they might be a bad person, but just because of the fact that they broke up with you, that doesn't mean by itself, that your ex is a bad person.

And so being mad at them is maybe not the correct emotion.

And again, your situation could be entirely different in that your ex could be a total jerk and deserve your anger, but it could just simply be that they felt they needed something else. That it wasn't working between you two, and that the feelings were not coming back and that they had a future without you.

And that's not something that they did intentionally to hurt you or to cause harm. So, so it's not necessarily the right response anyway, but you don't want to show them anger because just like with the previous point that I mentioned, it will actually hurt momentum.

It will show them that they really affected you and that they could have you back at any moment, plus they won't want to be around you.

If you're angry, they'll feel it and feel like they're being punished. It will be a negative for them. And so you'll actually start them running in the other direction again.

4. Don't Fix It For Them

So let's get to the next point, a fourth way of getting into your ex's head is that you don't fix it for them.

And what I mean by that is, is that sometimes they will want you to do the work of getting the two of you back together.

So they won't say those things like "I want to get back."

So in the other point, I mentioned that they would say that sometimes, and that you should say, "I'm open to that, but I want to take things slowly."

They'll text, they'll call, they'll come up to you and you can almost tell that they're expecting you to say something or they're testing the waters. And they're trying to see if you'll just take care of it for them, if you'll do the hard part, if you'll be the one to stick your neck out and take the risk.

They want you to be the one to ask them to get back together. And again, that's the action of someone who thinks they're more attractive than you, because if you two were equally attractive, they would realize that they broke up with you. So it's their place to fix what they broke, not yours, but if they think they're more attractive than you, then they will think, well, you should just take care of it for them.

They will think that you should be the one to say something to make them feel super attractive and that you should pursue them and make them move on. And that you should try to glue the pieces back together.

Don't do that for them. It's their mess. They broke you up. They should put the two of you back together.

When they start feeling loss, sometimes they will act to simply feel they didn't lose you and that they could get you back and they aren't feeling enough love.

That results in a short term reunion where it fades out again and you don't want that. And I'm talking very short-term usually, it's just a few days.

You don't want that, even though right now, you may think you'll take them back however you can get them.

I've talked to enough of you and Coach Ken on my staff has talked to enough of you and Coach Rex on my staff has talked to enough of you to know that you don't want that because you will be crushed to think that you've got them back only to lose them in a few days because you weren't disciplined enough after hearing what I've got to say about this.

So don't fix it for them. Let them do the work of that.

Now that doesn't mean that you don't suggest, "Hey, let's get coffee." You can if they keep reaching out to you and maybe they're being a little flirty, maybe some things are just obvious and you're going to be around to where they live, where they work, or you to see each other daily or regularly or something like that.

Sometimes, for some people, that can be that carrot on a stick. And then when you get them face to face, they should be the one to say that the two of you should get back together (or they ask). And I talk about this more in my Emergency Breakup Kit is you can kind of start getting into that role of being a couple without having that conversation and without putting the label back on it too soon.

I talk about that in the Emergency Breakup Kit, or one of my coaches can talk to you about that in a coaching call. And you can reach out to me on Instagram @RealCoachLee.

5. Be Sure You Don't Rush

The number five way to get in your ex's head is don't rush.

Because again, this deals with a lot of attraction details, because a breakup is where attraction has fallen. And so your ex figures if you are more attracted to them, if you were the one in the smaller, in the lesser position of attraction, you would be rushing and desperate to get them back.

But when you show that you're not going to rush, that you will take your time. You will say things like, "I'm willing and I'm open, but I want to take it one day at a time," and you won't just jump right back in. That will get in their head. It's a powerful thing. Don't rush. Take it one day at a time.

Take it one second at a time if you possibly can. It's an attractive thing and it will help you get your ex back.

I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back since it guides you through possible situations and responses.

No matter what, I wish you the very best!

-Coach Lee
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