How does the No Contact Rule work to get an ex back? Coach Lee explains in this video and post.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through - especially the examples Coach Lee reads from people who got their ex back with the No Contact Rule!
Below from Coach Lee
I'm going to talk to you about how no contact works for those of you who are in no contact, but you're losing hope. And after the fifth point, I'm going to read two examples that have come to me recently of where it's worked.
So the first on the list of how no contact works is that you can't see them and they can't see you.
When you can't see someone, especially if this person was regularly involved in your life and you two shared intimacy and good memories with this person, then you experience something that I've started calling substitute recall.
It's basically where this person has dropped out of your life so quickly and you were used to them so your brain in order to try to explain it and to try to make sense of it will picture them, think of them and remember stories and things that you shared with them more than it would if you were still there.
And the reason for that is because it doesn't make sense that this person was there and then just gone.
And so it's like a coping mechanism and yet it actually can work in reverse if you stay in no contact, but that's part of what they experience when they get out of the relief stage.
And I will link in the description below to my video "Stages your ex goes through during no contact," but after the relief stage is when this really starts to hit them and they start to experience substitute recall where they're thinking of you more often.
And so the no contact rule actually helps your ex to think of you. But if you are constantly there and you're constantly in contact, there's no need for them to think of you because you are right there. If anything, they imagine you not being there because that's what they think they want.
And so you're standing in their way and that's what it feels like. But if you're not standing in their way, there's nothing to make them wish they were even further away from you. And so they don't go as far away. That's where they can go into this state where they're recreating you because of the simple fact that you've disappeared.
It's really interesting and I've talked to a lot of people who've gone through it and it makes no contact work even better.
You can do this! Demonstrate how strong you are. It's attractive.
This kind of strength is always attractive and not only does it show them that you can live without them, that you can thrive without them, and that you believe in yourself, but it also gives evidence that they could lose you.
And this is sometimes a point of contention because people will say, "Why do they care? If they lose me, they broke up with me. It doesn't matter to them clearly." But they didn't lose you when they broke up with you. They were in control. When you're in control, you're not the one losing something.
It has to be out of your control for you to feel the loss. And so they have to actually see you stay away and that you are strong enough to stay away.
What that tells them is that if they wanted you back, there's a strong possibility that they couldn't get you back. And that's where they can start to feel that loss. And that's what can often feel so hopeless in someone in your situation is that loss because you have no control over the situation.
And so we want your ex to feel a little bit of hopelessness, or at least to wonder, "is it hopeless?"
You see that's where their brain can start to be preoccupied with you and with what's going on. Could they get you back? Was the breakup the right decision and it introduces doubt. It's a powerful, beautiful thing.
And you need to stick with this!
How does it do this? Well, for starters, if they broke up with you, attraction, at least some form of it, had fallen.
Usually it's emotional attraction. Sometimes physical attraction can fall kind of depends on the situation (severe weight gain, poor hygene, etc.), but if you stay away, it prevents attraction from falling further because whatever the situation, the state that you were in when they broke up with you is not as attractive to them as it once was so if you're around them a lot, you're actually just further pushing attraction down and you are making it to where, as I mentioned in the previous point, to where you stand in their way of getting what they think they want.
And that makes you far less attractive because what they want is on the other side of you. What they want is the opposite of you.
And you don't want that to be in that situation. So stay out of this and leave them alone to rectify the situation in their mind. They have to figure this out.
And as you stay away and your attraction rises, it will often cause them to really take a serious look at the question of if they made a mistake by breaking up with you and if that's what they really want.
You want them to be able to reconsider it. And if all they can think about is trying to get away from you, they can't reconsider it because they're so focused on the other side of you. (See "What Makes An Ex Reconsider?")
And that's what's difficult to get people to understand is that when you're in contact with them, when you're around them, when you're making this difficult on them, when you're complaining and expressing your pain, it actually makes it more difficult for them to come back to you.
The reason for this is that even if they start thinking about it think that maybe they'll give it another try, you have now placed a hurdle in the way. And that hurdle is that they think, "If we do get back together, what if It doesn't work out again?"
If they get to that point, the negative that could stop them from reuniting with you is that they think that if it doesn't work out and they have to break up with you again, they have to go through all that drama again, all that difficulty and you begging them constantly.
And they think it could just be too difficult to go through again. You definitely don't want them to think that!
Instead, no contact works because you are showing them that if they do break up with you, that you can stay away, that you can give them the breakup. And so they feel like there's not much risk to getting back together with you, which is very important.
You don't want to put additional hurdles on them reuniting with you.
A lot of times they're confused and they're struggling with the situation. They're thinking that they want to try this again, but if there are enough negatives, it will at least delay them and they can talk themselves out of it or allow friends to talk them out of it. And so you don't want them to feel that there's risk and potential difficulty to coming back to you.
Now contact works by showing them that there's not.
Next is number five in the list of how no contact works.
So when you stay in contact and you bug them, you pester them, you plead, and you won't leave them alone, you're actually putting pressure on your ex that's making them go the other way.
You're pushing and so they are getting further away from you trying basically to escape you to this life that they think that they want.
But when you use the no contact rule, there's no need for them to go the other direction.
And since it appears you are actually going the other direction, they feel safe. They feel that there's no problems with them moving a little closer to you and in your direction.
Even if that means they start toying with the idea that they want to be friends. And this happens a lot when this is going on. They will reach out and maybe say, "Hey, can we just be friends?"
They want this because they're feeling that distance between the two of you and they're not wanting so much space from you simply because you're not pushing them further away.
Now, as you hopefully know, from watching my videos, I don't suggest that you become friends with them or that you take this low ball offer of friendship. That will not help you get your ex back, but that's another video. And I do have videos on that, but staying away and staying quiet applies pressure from the other side towards you.
It's more of a pull actually. That's where we get the concept of attraction is that attraction is a pulling force because you're not actually on the other side of them pushing and you're not pushing them away either.
So that's how no contact can be very powerful is that it keeps them from getting too far away so they don't have to make up as much ground to get to the point where they want to get back into your life.
They want you back in their life, but they don't always go about it the right way. Like I said, they may only suggest friendship at first, but at least it gets them moving the right direction.
And a lot of times they don't merely suggest friendship. A lot of times they start talking to you and they want to see you. That often means they're thinking that they want to get back together.
And I see it a lot. Does it work 100% of the time? It does not, but it works a lot. And if that wasn't true, I wouldn't tell you.
And now I'm going to read a couple of examples of how no contact works, because I get messages every day where people tell me that it works and they're thanking me for telling them about it and talking about it a lot, because I do bring it up a lot in case you haven't noticed.
I bring it up a lot because you need to hear it a lot.
So I'm going to read you a couple of examples. Here is the first one:
After two months apart, following your advice to the letter, his name, Bill is back in my life for good! We are now looking for a home to buy and I've had to make him promise not to propose yet as I'm not ready, but it's all he wants to do.
I even told him about you and he's amazed and overjoyed that I fought so hard for him when he feared that I wouldn't. So thank you for everything you've done for me. Not just for helping Bill and me find our way back to one another, but for making me a better, stronger woman and partner, I will carry these lessons with me always.
And it's interesting there that she even told him after they got back together that while they were broken up that she was watching my videos and using this no contact rule that she heard from me.
The next one I'm going to read is from a guy who got his girlfriend back with a no contact.
Coach Lee. I didn't think she would come back and it hurt so bad to think about that. All I did was loop your videos day and night.
It seemed, there were times I thought I was going to break down and contact her, but your words had been ingrained to me and so I knew that contacting her wasn't an option if I wanted her back.
I can't express my shock and joy when she actually came to my house last night and sobbed as she begged me to take her back and kept telling me how sorry she was.
Each situation and relationship is different and there are nuances to your specific breakup.
They are powerful resources to give you a strong chance of getting your ex back after a breakup or to reunite with your spouse after a separation.