Why Won’t My Ex Work On Our Relationship?


One question I often receive from coaching clients is, “Why did they just leave? Why wouldn’t my ex work on our relationship?”

Open this article in a new tab to read after this one - Why Did My Ex Break Up With Me?

For you, you're hearing it for the first time, or at least it feels that way.

So your first thought is, "Well wait a minute! Before we do something so drastic, let's at least try to work on this!"

So it seems ridiculous and such a shame to you that your ex is just tossing your relationship aside as though it has little value.

You want to work on it and they just want to move on.

But in most cases, your ex has been feeling this for a while.

They didn't just wake up one day and decide they were going to dump you.

So to you it feels out of the blue and without cause, but to your ex, it has been a long time coming.

That is one reason that your ex is not interested in working on your relationship.

It is possible that they have been working on the relationship and even telling you what they needed.

Not seeing change is a likely reason they are not interested in waiting any longer for improvement.

They feel that if change was possible in you or in the dynamics of the relationship, that it would already have happened.

girlfriendReason two, which could be caused by reason one, is loss of attraction.

Once your ex stops seeing a future with you, their attraction for you falls off a cliff.

So if they don’t see change that they deem essential to their happiness, and believe that it will not ever happen, their emotional attraction for you collapses.

When that happens, other areas of attraction such as intellectual and physical are usually not far behind.

When your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s attraction for you plummets, there is no desire to work on the relationship.

Why would you want to work on a relationship with someone to whom you are not attracted?

But there is hope.

Attraction can be rebuilt and you can re-attract your ex.

How To Re-attract Your Ex

In order to re-attract your ex, you have to become more attractive.

So how do you do that?

First, you must avoid doing, demonstrating, or saying unattractive things.

For example: Begging and pleading.

Stop or don’t start!

Begging and pleading are done when someone believes or feels they have nothing to bargain with and nothing to offer and, therefore, must rely on the mercy of the other person.

You certainly don’t want your ex thinking that you have nothing to offer because that is very unattractive.

You want your ex to know that you have a lot to offer.

That means that you don’t have to beg or plead.

Instead, you display confidence that you are enough and that you don’t have to beg or plead.

It isn’t going to fix everything immediately, but it’s going to start the process and be a springboard for the rest of the re-attraction process.

Second, give your ex your silence.

As I explain in other articles and videos, the first stage your ex will go through after they break up with you is relief.

Because of that, little chance exists of your ex missing you and wanting you back during this stage.

But it’s necessary for them to go through this stage to get to the next stages where the odds improve substantially of your ex missing you and missing the relationship.

It is in these stages that your ex’s attraction for you can recover if you will give your ex space and silence (the no contact rule) and work on yourself.

If you don’t leave your ex alone (I.E. space), they cannot miss you - at least not to the level needed to get them to want to get back together with you.

By leaving your ex alone, they move through the first stage more quickly.

Third, work on yourself so that when your ex misses you enough to want to see you, they will see an even more attractive version of you.

This will propel them to push past their doubts.

Do what it takes to improve your attraction in the areas of the emotional, physical, and intellectual.

Motivation For Your Ex To Work On The Relationship Has Been Restored

Once attraction is restored, your ex will have motivation to work on the relationship even if they aren’t convinced the issues will end.

That is the power of attraction!

Once attraction is reignited, your ex will be far more likely to entertain the idea that you or the situation could change or improve.

For example, ask yourself this: Would you be interested in a long distance relationship with someone you weren’t attracted to?

Of course not!

But if you were very attracted to someone, would you be willing to travel the distance and deal with the issues specific to a long distance relationship?

Probably so.

It is when attraction increases (emotional, physical, and intellectual) or is restored that your ex may see the issues as manageable and minor.

I strongly recommend my scientific and highly effective Emergency Breakup Kit if you have been broken up with and want your ex back.

-Coach Lee
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