Do You Really Want Your Ex Back? Should You Get Back Together?



Do you really want your ex back? Should you take your ex back?

It might sound like a silly question, but hear me out.

First, be sure to subscribe to my channel with the button above so that you can be notified when I have more content that is helpful to your situation and that includes more than just breakups.

That includes marriage, mindfulness, overcoming anxiety, and attraction.

So at the moment, if you are reading this, you have likely been broken up with (or dumped) by someone you care about deeply.

That hurts tremendously and so you (meaning your emotional mind and psyche) want to eliminate, overcome or defeat that pain.

In this case, it's the pain of loss.

To your mind, the solution is simple.

Your ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, or spouse dumped you.

Therefore, the solution is to get them to "undump" you or get back together with you.

Then, based on that reasoning, the pain will be all over and things can get back to "normal."

You might not think of it in those terms or words, but that is the gist of it.

Again, I encourage you to watch the video above first and then to read this article all the way through.

Take your time and read slowly so that you absorb this article.

It's important.

Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

This question can be asked to the person who initiated the breakup and is being pursued by their ex.

It can also be asked to the person who was broken up with and badly wants to get back together with the person who broke up with them.

The answer might be simple.

It’s certainly possible that the relationship was beautiful, supportive, and passionate.

You trust, admire, and miss this person, but somewhere along the line one of you lost sight of the relationship.

I very often see people change their mind and come back to the one they left.

There is a lot in life that can confuse us and cause us to wonder in the desert so to speak.

Note: If you were the one who initiated the breakup and are thinking you might want to get back with your ex, I suggesting opening the following post in a new tab and reading it after you've read this one all the way through: How To Cope If You Initiated The Breakup But Still Feel Sad.

No one is perfect and sometimes there are factors beyond anyone’s control.

I don’t say that to support the excuse you were likely given when your ex broke up with you.

As I’ve said in other articles and in a lot of my videos, the vast majority of breakups are from a drop in emotional attraction.

Usually what you are told when someone breaks up with you is something they think you won’t be able to argue with.

Something like, “I need to work on myself.”

As if they couldn’t work on themselves while staying with you.

It often amounts to pseudo-profound nonsense.

Just a trendy thing to say that sounds important or mysterious.

That being said, there are more meaningful and legitimate reasons that sometimes cause people to feel they must end the relationship.

Sometimes, the person breaking up doesn’t intend on the breakup being permanent.

Though that is a short-sided and inconsiderate decision, people don’t always correctly anticipate how other people are impacted by their decisions.

Sometimes people don’t want to get back together with someone who broke up with them as a matter of convenience.

Other times, people are able to grant grace to the other person because they love them so much.

Should You Take Your Ex Back?

Should You Reunite With Your Ex?

Often times a person in the situation of having an ex who dumped them come back experiences elation if they wanted to be with that person.

I’m all for that.

I am often asked to help a client think through if they should get their ex back or if taking an ex back or not makes sense.

I often suggest that they are overthinking the situation.

You see, there is no perfect person out there.

If the two of you enjoyed each other, got along, you felt loved by them, you loved them, shared future goals, and felt a sense of family together, don’t make the decision more difficult than it has to be.

I’m not suggesting that you go back into an on again, off again relationship that has exhausted you.

At the same time, an observation I’ve been able to make by nearly two decades in the relationship-recovery service is that people who keep finding their way back into each other’s life have staying power.

Surveys of married couples reveal that they would likely have broken up several times if they were not married.

Being married adds chords of commitment that encourage them to stay together more so than dating.

Examples of the chords of commitment are shared property, children together, social stigma, religious convictions to stick it out, and the difficulty of divorce in some situations.

So they find a way to stay together and work it out.

My point is that on again, off again relationships are not necessarily a sign of incompatibility or the two of you being a bad match.

Why Take Someone Back Who Dumped You?

Obviously it’s your life and your call, but I have often seen that someone who goes back to someone after breaking up with them has learned a valuable lesson.

He or she learned that they don’t want to live without you or can’t.

When this person broke up with you, they did not have the intention to hurt you.

The focus and intent was on themselves and feeling they did not have a future with you.

So you aren’t likely dealing with someone who plotted to emotionally injure you.

If you genuinely believe that to be true, then I don’t suggest you take this person back.

But if your ex has come to you, asking for you to take him/her back, and you have missed them, why wouldn’t you?

Unless you are in danger or don’t feel attracted to this person anymore,  I encourage you to take it one day at a time and be open.

If your ex hasn’t come back to you and you are using the no contact rule, my challenge and suggestion to you is to ask yourself if you want your ex back.

What I mean is, if this person doesn’t want you right now, at least try to consider pros and cons.

It might not feel right at the moment, but the more you allow yourself to consider that maybe it’s for the best and that you can move on at some point, the closer you will get to feeling and believing it in the near future.

Instead of sitting around hurting and wishing your ex would want you back, treat this as a case of you being the one to decide.

You don’t have to decide right now, but put yourself in a position of strength.

Turn the tables.

You be the one who is trying to decide if you want this relationship or not.

It might sound simplistic, but try it and see if you don’t feel better.

Just allowing holes to be poked into the current scenario of you being the one wanting the relationship and your ex being the one who tossed it away is usually very helpful in terms of softening anxiety and overcoming the feeling of loss.

Those things might still be there, but it will be movement in the right direction.

This will also help to prevent you from doing a lot of the wrong things that can push your ex further away.

No one is perfect, so considering the breakup from all angles can be eye opening.

Putting yourself in the position of decision maker instead of someone just hoping for mercy will do you a lot of good if you were the one who was dumped.

I encourage you to gain from my experience in helping people get their ex back after a breakup by getting my Emergency Breakup Kit to give yourself the best chance possible of getting your ex back.

-Coach Lee
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