Closure Letter To Ex - Should You Write One?

Be sure to watch the video above all the way through and to read the post below so that you have the best chance possible of getting back together with your ex.

In the comments of my YouTube videos, a lot of people ask me about sending a so-called closure letter to their ex in an effort to get something to work to get them back.

I want to answer the question, "Should you write a closure letter to your ex?"

A Closure Letter is a hand-written letter (or email) in which you express your feelings, apologize for your contributions to the breakup, and tell your ex that because they haven't come back to you at this point, you are moving on with your life.

Some call it a "goodbye letter to an ex."

What you had in mind might be slightly different or could not include all of what I mentioned.

Determining if you should send such a letter doesn't require all of the traits I mentioned above.

So should you write a Closure Letter to your ex?

First, determine your reason for wanting to write a letter to your ex.

Is it only to gain closure?

Or is it justification to do something you hope will cause him/her to want to get back together with you?

Be honest with yourself about your desire to write a closure letter to your ex.

I'll discuss one first and then the other but I encourage you to read what I say about each.

If You Only Want To Write A Letter To Your Ex To Get Closure

I encourage you to open my post, "Should You Seek Closure From Your Ex?" in a new tab and read it after you've read this post all the way through at least once.

What is closure?

What are you wanting to happen by writing a letter to your ex?

Is it a feeling?

Is it getting it out on paper?

The reason I ask is because I hear all the time about people needing and seeking closure after a breakup, but a lot of people who say they want that don't know what it is or how to define it.

According to Wikipedia: Closure or need for closure are social psychological terms that describe an individual's desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity.

Is that what you want?

A certain or "firm" answer?

If that sounds right to you, I'd ask, an answer to what exactly?

To you and your ex getting back together at some point in the future?

That probably has some appeal to it if you are on my website.

At the same time, do you really want to force your ex's hand?

What I mean by that is, if you are using the No Contact Rule (or Intelligent Contact Rule if you are married, work together, or have children together), you must first realize that getting your ex back doesn't happen by flicking a switch.

I often use the example of a cake in the oven.

You can't cook the cake faster by simply turning up the heat.

That's because time is part of the recipe.

The same is true in terms of getting your ex back.

So how your ex felt the day of the breakup, today, and how he/she could feel in the future are different things.

Does that mean with complete certainty that your ex will eventually come back to you?

Though I wish that were true, I will not lie to you by suggesting that.

Using the No Contact Rule improves your chances and gives you the best chance of getting your ex back, but it cannot make it certain.

Nothing can.

What I am telling you is that if you force your ex to give you an answer right now about whether or not you two will get back together, their answer is likely to be a negative one.

My point is, your ex could change their mind in the future, but right now, if he/she is not reaching out to you or directly stating that they want to get back together, you already have their answer.

What's more, if you do want your ex back, you don't want them experiencing themselves rejecting you.

You don't want them to write it or say it.

The up-in-the-air aspect of this actually works more to your advantage if you want to get back together.

Demanding a clear and outright closure via a letter on the other hand, does not.

It makes it easier for them to move on.

It gives them something to "live up to" so to speak.

Silence is mystery.

Mystery is more powerful than the answer.


Because mystery has your ex wondering.

It leaves the answer as something to be sought.

You might be thinking, "They broke up with me, what mystery is there for them?"

I get it.

For starters, we are seeking to change the mind and heart of your ex.

So whereas they thought they wanted the breakup, actually having to experience it can often cause them to change their mind.

You applying pressure on them by demanding closure can, however, do the opposite.

So if you think that you only want closure, determine for sure if getting that is worth lowering your chances of ever getting back together with your ex.

If You Want To Write A Closure Letter To Your Ex To Get Them Back

Maybe you think that by writing a letter to your ex, you will be able to re-attract him or her.

Maybe you think that forcing an answer could possibly serve to wake your ex to the point that he or she realizes they don't want the breakup after all.

You also might think that getting it all down on paper - what happened, your apology, your feelings, and the threat/promise that you are going to move on will help clarify things and redirect your ex back to you.

First of all, have you apologized to your ex already?

If you have, not only is there no need to apologize to your ex again, but it will come across differently this time.

It likely won't come across as mature as you might be expecting or hoping.

Instead, it will come across as a form of begging.

The reason is because you already have apologized and so doing it again is going to seem like you are a bit childish in that you think that doing the same thing again will obtain different results.

A closure letter also breaks no contact.

It also removes the mystery of if you still want your ex back.

If your ex is in a rebound relationship your ex is less likely to even read your letter if it is long at all.

So if you feel that you must write a closure letter, keep it short and succinct without long stories, overly detailed explanations, and/or dramatic expression of feelings.

It's also very possible that your ex could see the goodbye letter - especially the threat to move on - as an attempt to manipulate him/her to get back together with you.

I know this because I've had clients write closure letters to their ex against my advice.

Sometimes I've even helped with how to write a closure letter even though I warned the client that it was more likely to hurt than to help.

So believe me when I say that I have seen these letters do more harm than good.

I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back. No matter what, I wish you the very best.

-Coach Lee
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