When your ex reaches out to invite you to get together or accepts your invitation to do the same, do not make it an emotional, dramatic reunion.
Stay casual and relaxed.
Your ex still needs to feel that things are a little different since they broke up with you.
In a sense, your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend needs to feel that they need to earn you back to a degree.
That’s not only important to getting them back, but to keeping them.
Your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend needs to sense that you aren't just going to jump back into their arms.
If they think you are too easily and too quickly won back, your value goes down.
Always remember this principle of life - we value things more that have a higher price. We value less the things that have a cheaper price.
It’s true with relationships - at times - as well.
Remember, they don't get to have you and not have you at the same time.
Have some stories to tell them about some interesting or great things that have happened to you since you last saw them.
Then ask them what's been happening with them.
Pretty basic stuff, right?
There’s a reason for that. It’s because you are starting over with your ex.
It’s not quite date number one, because you obviously already know your ex.
But resist the urge to try to simply cut out the breakup and pick up where you were.
DO NOT, however, play that cheesy, fake game of acting like you’re starting over by asking questions you already know the answer to.
You’ll only get an inner eye roll from your ex.
Don’t make it obvious to your ex that you are starting over with them after no contact.
Certainly don’t tell them!
During the conversation with your ex, casually bring up something funny or a great time the two of you had doing something.
While you are starting over in terms of your pursuit or courting of your ex, you shouldn’t erase history either, so referring to great times you had together is a strong positive but must be subtle and used sparingly or else your ex will think you’re trying to manipulate him/her.
For example, you could say, "A friend of mine invited me to that restaurant we went to where you tried duck for the first time. Do you remember that?"
That's a basic example.
If there's a funny story or a very romantic time you can casually mention in that way, it subconsciously opens the door to the relationship again.
It reminds them of what you two had and guides their mind down that path.
The end game here is different from person to person.
Sometimes a kiss at the end of the get together is all it takes to get you two on the path to being, "back together."
Actions are more powerful than words.
I talk about how to get that to happen and its importance in the Emergency Breakup Kit (get more information on that at https://myexbackcoach.com/emergency-breakup-kit/).
But even after that, don't get too serious, sappy or attempt to “define” the relationship.
You don't, under any circumstances, want your ex to think that you have been sitting around, missing them, and just waiting for them to come back.
You can’t have them thinking that all it took to get you back was for them to flick a switch.
If they ask if you missed them, say something like, "Of course I did," and leave it at that.
Don't tell them how you stayed in bed crying and eating ice cream.
Don’t tell them how ever present and overwhelming the pain of missing them was.
I get that it possibly was true that you constantly missed them and hurt for them.
It doesn’t make it less true if you don’t share that with your ex right now.
What keeping it to yourself for now does is to keep your ex moving toward you by ensuring the mystery and the direction stay alive.
Your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend isn’t receptive right now to knowing how badly you have missed them and how badly you want them back.
You must understand the mind of your ex at this moment.
I can tell you from nearly twenty years in the relationship-recovery service that in order to attract your ex back, you must be disciplined about sharing your feelings with your ex.
At least don’t hurt your chances.
Tell them about fun times with your friends or family, a trip you took, good business happenings, a new achievement in sports (ran a race, low score in golf, rec center team did well, etc.), a new skill you're learning like an instrument or class, and things along those lines.
During the no contact period, actually do these things so that you'll have great things to share with them during this conversation and to better yourself for YOU.
Bettering yourself for you makes you a more attractive person for your ex or for someone else.
It’s a win/win and is good for you regardless.
If it goes well, it will feel good and you will want to stay with your ex hour after hour.
You must, however, remain disciplined.
You want to leave your ex wanting more.
You want him/her to walk away wishing you could’ve stayed longer and realizing how much they really did miss you.
You certainly don’t want to keep chatting with your ex until he/she starts glancing at the phone or clock feeling that the visit has reached a lull.
It might sound cliche, but less is really more in this situation.
You want your ex to walk away wanting more.
That does not mean that you coldly or awkwardly end the meeting.
Be upbeat and polite.
Tell your ex that it was great to see them, but then get going.
Usually no more than an hour to visit when you meet up with your ex after no contact.
It would be great if a kiss happened at the end and there are many reasons for that.
First of all, it lets your ex experience kissing you again.
If you two kissed well and they enjoyed it, then your ex will think, “I didn’t know I missed kissing her/him this much!”
They will get to feel some of that spark and some of that attraction again.
That’s a good thing.
Affer the first meeting following no contact, give them a three days to come to you.
Ideally, you would wait then out, but if you two talked about getting together again soon, it can be confusing as to who should contact who.
In that case, after giving them a few days, it should be okay to reach out with something like this: “Hey there! As far as coffee next week, Tuesday won’t work for me, but Thursday will. Same time as before?”
Hint: For the sake of your value, it’s good to take a day away first before stating a day when you are free.
If your ex says they’ll let you know, you need to back off for two weeks or so before you reach out again and even then, it’s best to go back into no contact again until you hear from them.
But the odds are good if you’re following the instructions here that you will get a yes from them.
Move forward slowly, calmly, and casually.
Be comfortable with the possibility that the two of you will act like a couple for a time without having the label again yet.
Dont get too caught up in the label.
Again, actions speak lowder than words. The label will likely come with time.